Sigh
I thought when you found and were doing what your calling was, things would fall into place.
Bigger Sigh
WHY DO I FEEL SO INADEQUATE?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING MORE / DIFFERENT?
WHY DO I FEEL JUDGED?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE A BAD MOM?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE A BAD WIFE?
WHY DO I SEEM TO BUTT HEADS WITH SOMEONE ON A REGULAR BASIS?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY LETTING SOMEONE DOWN?
Stupid feelings.
Why can't I turn them off?
....
....
....
....
I am struggling with "what's next?"
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
More School? Which path?
More home life? What about growing my practice? Bills?
Step down in some areas? Is this fear talking? myself talking?
Step up in some areas? What?! When?! How?!
Volunteer? (See questions above!)
Please don't get me wrong...I LOVE what I do! This is what I've dreamed about since I can remember.
I just don't think I'm very good with all the in's and out's.
I have fallen FLAT ON MY FACE and wish I could have "Do Over's"!!!
Don't get me wrong, I do not expect things to be perfect. And yes, I'm well aware of the enemy wanting to attack and get our focus off of where it should be.
I have learned so much and know that I'll continue learning. But I'm struggling...
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Fumbling
I struggle with Christmas.
As a kid I used to get so irritated with my mom and the "bah-humbug" spirit. I tried everything I could to despite that enjoy the holiday. My sister and I would set up the tree Thanksgiving night once everything was picked up, we'd hang the stockings and we'd get gifts for the other family members and help wrap.
Fast forward a bit (and include unmet expectations, lack of funds, school, kids, growing expectations) and I find myself teetering on a tightrope trying to avoid falling into the same pit.
On one side I see the joy and wonder of the special day and what it means to the kids. On the other side I see (and totally empathize with) where my mom was.
I celebrate and see every reason to celebrate the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I do NOT like the obligation of buying gifts. I'm the type of person who likes to shop and IF I see something that speaks to me for a particular individual then purchase it, not have a ticking clock or countdown of days up in my face saying "You must find something for A, B, C, D....." Then I hear the "jokes" about how people end up returning gifts to get what they really want anyway and it saddens me...then what's the point? Cause there's additional money spent on the paper/ribbons used to wrap said gifts too!
I did hear something in the past week or so that did make me pause and think a bit differently about things. It said this person was able to change his mind set on Christmas by purchasing gifts that required 2 or more people to enjoy the item. A football, for example was deemed a good choice whereas a piece of clothing/accessory was better saved for a birthday. That was good.
Then this is where things got a little deeper....
Timberlyn is LOVING Christmas (minus the cold) and wants "more decorations!" She frequently talks about how excited she is for Christmas and daily wants to play with her little tykes manger figures.
(back story)
Timberlyn was the only child Steven and I had to work for. There were so many prayers and physical strivings and ultimately surrender that went into our journey for her. During my pregnancy I prayed specifically for a few things...okay, probably more than a few, but hear me out. The one I'm focusing on here is that I prayed for a child "just like me" and asked that I'd have a chance to see how I'd fair at "raising myself". (I realize this is not an actual possibility. I also don't want you to hear a pity party. I do not want to be one of those people who blame the past and upbringing for why they are the way they are. I do believe there is a point in everyone's life that despite what did or did not happen that you must take ownership and move forward. But let's be honest. If you know me well you know there is at least one blaring issue that I didn't instill and that I'm trying to overcome.)
And that brings me back to Timberlyn's love of Christmas and my very volatile roller coaster. She's been asking regularly to go shopping for presents for our two cats. We already made one trip...but she wants "more presents" for them.
I had heard another positive reflection on Christmas and thought "hey, that gives me an idea! I should make a list of all the positive aspects and things to reflect on and when I get down make the choice to focus on that instead"...only I forgot!
I'm working on it. Still going through the motions. I made cookies for the girls teachers on Monday and just finished a batch for my neighbors tonight. I'll take Timberlyn with me to pass them out and show her that by doing so we are being a light...but I gotta be honest. I feel extremely dim right now.
(and just cause I said I would...here's some pics from the gun range! We finally made it a date outing. I gotta be honest I was freaked out!! The sounds, the power, how hard I had to hold the gun down cause of the recoil...it was intense! I have agreed to go back and use a less powerful gun.)
As a kid I used to get so irritated with my mom and the "bah-humbug" spirit. I tried everything I could to despite that enjoy the holiday. My sister and I would set up the tree Thanksgiving night once everything was picked up, we'd hang the stockings and we'd get gifts for the other family members and help wrap.
Fast forward a bit (and include unmet expectations, lack of funds, school, kids, growing expectations) and I find myself teetering on a tightrope trying to avoid falling into the same pit.
On one side I see the joy and wonder of the special day and what it means to the kids. On the other side I see (and totally empathize with) where my mom was.
I celebrate and see every reason to celebrate the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I do NOT like the obligation of buying gifts. I'm the type of person who likes to shop and IF I see something that speaks to me for a particular individual then purchase it, not have a ticking clock or countdown of days up in my face saying "You must find something for A, B, C, D....." Then I hear the "jokes" about how people end up returning gifts to get what they really want anyway and it saddens me...then what's the point? Cause there's additional money spent on the paper/ribbons used to wrap said gifts too!
I did hear something in the past week or so that did make me pause and think a bit differently about things. It said this person was able to change his mind set on Christmas by purchasing gifts that required 2 or more people to enjoy the item. A football, for example was deemed a good choice whereas a piece of clothing/accessory was better saved for a birthday. That was good.
Then this is where things got a little deeper....
Timberlyn is LOVING Christmas (minus the cold) and wants "more decorations!" She frequently talks about how excited she is for Christmas and daily wants to play with her little tykes manger figures.
(back story)
Timberlyn was the only child Steven and I had to work for. There were so many prayers and physical strivings and ultimately surrender that went into our journey for her. During my pregnancy I prayed specifically for a few things...okay, probably more than a few, but hear me out. The one I'm focusing on here is that I prayed for a child "just like me" and asked that I'd have a chance to see how I'd fair at "raising myself". (I realize this is not an actual possibility. I also don't want you to hear a pity party. I do not want to be one of those people who blame the past and upbringing for why they are the way they are. I do believe there is a point in everyone's life that despite what did or did not happen that you must take ownership and move forward. But let's be honest. If you know me well you know there is at least one blaring issue that I didn't instill and that I'm trying to overcome.)
And that brings me back to Timberlyn's love of Christmas and my very volatile roller coaster. She's been asking regularly to go shopping for presents for our two cats. We already made one trip...but she wants "more presents" for them.
I had heard another positive reflection on Christmas and thought "hey, that gives me an idea! I should make a list of all the positive aspects and things to reflect on and when I get down make the choice to focus on that instead"...only I forgot!
I'm working on it. Still going through the motions. I made cookies for the girls teachers on Monday and just finished a batch for my neighbors tonight. I'll take Timberlyn with me to pass them out and show her that by doing so we are being a light...but I gotta be honest. I feel extremely dim right now.
(and just cause I said I would...here's some pics from the gun range! We finally made it a date outing. I gotta be honest I was freaked out!! The sounds, the power, how hard I had to hold the gun down cause of the recoil...it was intense! I have agreed to go back and use a less powerful gun.)
Thursday, September 20, 2012
I get knocked down, but I get up again...
Constant.
I could not begin to describe the emotions and events that I've traversed and felt in the past months.
Highs, lows...things so much deeper/lower than I thought possible.
It's amazing how when things are going "right" things seem to hit you from an angle you were LEAST expecting just to see how you'd react, what you'd do with that.
I've felt like screaming and have, crying and have, throwing/smashing eggs...and have NOT! But that one sounds the most fun and creative! I imagine myself with a tennis racket and the brick fence in my backyard and my imagination runs wild! =)
I even thought about making it a girls night...with everyone bringing a dozen eggs.
(and then I thought "What would they think?!")
So, in the mean time, after much "discussion" over these days and weeks with my husband I've come to an alternative. Our next date will include a trip to the gun range. I've never done it before. I WILL take pictures and post! and I hope that it allows some sort of outlet! (I fantasize about being a secret agent!!)
Also, I started exercising with more intentionality this week. I literally need to get OUT my emotions and thoughts and everything in every way possible!
This weekend I recounted to Steven how I literally feel as though my current journey, to deepen my walk and relationship with the Lord, has allowed/caused me to perpetually feel as if I'm running into poles. (Thank you to my 9 year old for literally giving me that word picture as she did it to herself on Saturday...onlookers and all!)
Some know, some don't know the severity of a personal family issue we are facing right now that is out of our hands...literally.
It's a waiting game, it consumes our time, our resources, our patience, our attitudes (when we let it), and our relationships.
I have been asked if knowing everything I knew now if I'd make the same choice...to seek outside help or to handle things within the family. The answer is still, yes! Given everything listed above that we've sacrificed and continue to sacrifice, I still would. For as much as we've given and had to work through, I believe we've gained (or are striving to gain) in depth and relationship/understanding with our TRUE purpose and our ultimate goals here on this earth.
Have I been or reacted perfectly every time? No
Do Steven and I usually hold the other accountable when we see some doubt or a hole in their game? Yes!
I have given up everything...my control, my children, my desires and have sought to only want and desire what the Lord desires for me.
I went through a dramatic process of "spiritual cleansing" if you will and am trying to watch that I'm obedient to further promptings...the frustration being that I "expected" a dramatic reformation externally or for "something big to happen" and it's not. There's no dramatic lighting or music or cues from stage right declaring this event. Nope. nada. All there is is peace, hope and promises. All things considered, I think that's pretty big.
So, on my journey and to quote my husband who was himself quoting scripture in my "whining" about hitting poles (my word picture for doing what I felt prompted and subsequently getting poo'd on)....He asked me, "Do you love God?"
I answered "yes"
He responded "Then feed his sheep"
(AKA, keep being obedient, keep obeying and no matter what the outcome...poles or not, get back up, keep your eyes and heart focused on him and do it again)
"For our light and momentary troubles are gaining for us an eternal glory that far surpasses them all."
2 Corinthians 4:17
I could not begin to describe the emotions and events that I've traversed and felt in the past months.
Highs, lows...things so much deeper/lower than I thought possible.
It's amazing how when things are going "right" things seem to hit you from an angle you were LEAST expecting just to see how you'd react, what you'd do with that.
I've felt like screaming and have, crying and have, throwing/smashing eggs...and have NOT! But that one sounds the most fun and creative! I imagine myself with a tennis racket and the brick fence in my backyard and my imagination runs wild! =)
I even thought about making it a girls night...with everyone bringing a dozen eggs.
(and then I thought "What would they think?!")
So, in the mean time, after much "discussion" over these days and weeks with my husband I've come to an alternative. Our next date will include a trip to the gun range. I've never done it before. I WILL take pictures and post! and I hope that it allows some sort of outlet! (I fantasize about being a secret agent!!)
Also, I started exercising with more intentionality this week. I literally need to get OUT my emotions and thoughts and everything in every way possible!
This weekend I recounted to Steven how I literally feel as though my current journey, to deepen my walk and relationship with the Lord, has allowed/caused me to perpetually feel as if I'm running into poles. (Thank you to my 9 year old for literally giving me that word picture as she did it to herself on Saturday...onlookers and all!)
Some know, some don't know the severity of a personal family issue we are facing right now that is out of our hands...literally.
It's a waiting game, it consumes our time, our resources, our patience, our attitudes (when we let it), and our relationships.
I have been asked if knowing everything I knew now if I'd make the same choice...to seek outside help or to handle things within the family. The answer is still, yes! Given everything listed above that we've sacrificed and continue to sacrifice, I still would. For as much as we've given and had to work through, I believe we've gained (or are striving to gain) in depth and relationship/understanding with our TRUE purpose and our ultimate goals here on this earth.
Have I been or reacted perfectly every time? No
Do Steven and I usually hold the other accountable when we see some doubt or a hole in their game? Yes!
I have given up everything...my control, my children, my desires and have sought to only want and desire what the Lord desires for me.
I went through a dramatic process of "spiritual cleansing" if you will and am trying to watch that I'm obedient to further promptings...the frustration being that I "expected" a dramatic reformation externally or for "something big to happen" and it's not. There's no dramatic lighting or music or cues from stage right declaring this event. Nope. nada. All there is is peace, hope and promises. All things considered, I think that's pretty big.
So, on my journey and to quote my husband who was himself quoting scripture in my "whining" about hitting poles (my word picture for doing what I felt prompted and subsequently getting poo'd on)....He asked me, "Do you love God?"
I answered "yes"
He responded "Then feed his sheep"
(AKA, keep being obedient, keep obeying and no matter what the outcome...poles or not, get back up, keep your eyes and heart focused on him and do it again)
"For our light and momentary troubles are gaining for us an eternal glory that far surpasses them all."
2 Corinthians 4:17
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
In the Dumps
I'm confused.
I know we can't trust our feelings 100% of the time. I know that it's much better to run with what we "know" and not what we feel. I like to think I'm not run by my emotions...and then this month hits.
I have NO idea what's gotten into me.
About 6 weeks ago I decided to go see a nutritionist to get some help with "my face" and some other minor annoyances. I was so excited to get started and felt that for the most part I'm a healthy individual.
I was relieved to hear that I just needed some minor hormonal tweaks and that it'd all even out. The acne seemed like a reasonable fix too and I was all in (for the most part) even after hearing encouragement to be Gluten & Dairy Free. (Hey, I am when I am and not when I'm not...LOL) It's a goal, right?!? I'd hate to become perfect all at once!
Then this month hit and I have been so across the board and mostly down in the dumps it's not even funny.
I've been depressed before, I've started on that path of self-pity until I hit that last little rock and begin tumbling down in a spiral. This time feels different. I feel like I have no reason to be. Everything is fine. If I'm honest with myself, everything is great! Well, mostly anyway. Of course there's always room for improvement, but my husband and I are great; I am FINALLY doing what I've wanted with my life; etc!
I keep stopping to ask myself if I'm missing something, if there was something else I was supposed to do?
....
And that's what comes from it, nothing.
I'm hoping to pull out of this funk, cause I can assure you it's no fun. I see a life out there for me. I'm not sure if it's missed expectations, the "little" stress of bills/income/etc. or what. I usually expect some form of looming junk around my birthday but this year was a bit different. I don't think it was related at all. I think, to some extent at least, I've come to terms with my birthday. Don't even get me started there!
I did have a thought come to me this morning that I need to do something about. I know and have heard it said that when a person starts to get this way they should do things for other people. It's been a while since I've done an official missions project...I hoping that by connecting and doing that I'll be refocused. And it'll be completely alright with me if it's not on myself!
I know we can't trust our feelings 100% of the time. I know that it's much better to run with what we "know" and not what we feel. I like to think I'm not run by my emotions...and then this month hits.
I have NO idea what's gotten into me.
About 6 weeks ago I decided to go see a nutritionist to get some help with "my face" and some other minor annoyances. I was so excited to get started and felt that for the most part I'm a healthy individual.
I was relieved to hear that I just needed some minor hormonal tweaks and that it'd all even out. The acne seemed like a reasonable fix too and I was all in (for the most part) even after hearing encouragement to be Gluten & Dairy Free. (Hey, I am when I am and not when I'm not...LOL) It's a goal, right?!? I'd hate to become perfect all at once!
Then this month hit and I have been so across the board and mostly down in the dumps it's not even funny.
I've been depressed before, I've started on that path of self-pity until I hit that last little rock and begin tumbling down in a spiral. This time feels different. I feel like I have no reason to be. Everything is fine. If I'm honest with myself, everything is great! Well, mostly anyway. Of course there's always room for improvement, but my husband and I are great; I am FINALLY doing what I've wanted with my life; etc!
I keep stopping to ask myself if I'm missing something, if there was something else I was supposed to do?
....
And that's what comes from it, nothing.
I'm hoping to pull out of this funk, cause I can assure you it's no fun. I see a life out there for me. I'm not sure if it's missed expectations, the "little" stress of bills/income/etc. or what. I usually expect some form of looming junk around my birthday but this year was a bit different. I don't think it was related at all. I think, to some extent at least, I've come to terms with my birthday. Don't even get me started there!
I did have a thought come to me this morning that I need to do something about. I know and have heard it said that when a person starts to get this way they should do things for other people. It's been a while since I've done an official missions project...I hoping that by connecting and doing that I'll be refocused. And it'll be completely alright with me if it's not on myself!
Monday, May 28, 2012
My World
I had just had a really tough day on Tuesday and was really enjoying my day "off" with Timberlyn the next day.
I wasn't quite up to being 100% myself and with that I decided to just "be" with her.
3 year olds are a great way to be around someone and not feel judged, criticized, performance based or demanding of more than you have to give. (Don't get me wrong, they are demanding but usually it's fairly easy to meet their needs).
I wanted to pass the time until playgroup and since this one was actually in my neighborhood I rationalized I can put on "mom clothes" and take Timberlyn for a walk until I it was time and I decided I was ready to be somewhat social.
That's when it happened...an "Ah-ha" moment.
I was pushing her in the stroller and she said she saw some "worms" on the sidewalk. I thought about just saying "uh-huh" and moving forward and then I didn't. I stopped and turned back and said "No babe those aren't worms, it's part of the tree/leaves that have fallen down, gotten wet and some have been trampled". I then proceeded to show her these growths from the tree and how they probably fell, etc. We then turned back to continue on our path and I mentioned that the reason we don't see them beneath every tree is because each tree is different and unique...and then made some comment about how I don't know the names to all the trees (except Pine!) but that God made them all, each and every kind.
It hit me...My world wouldn't have made it!
In my finite mind I probably would've gone with only 1 type of tree...not realizing the delicate balance and reasoning behind the varieties. And, if I couldn't even get the nature right and diversified what in the world would I have come up with for the other ecosystems?
It's kind of funny, but serious at the same time.
I realize often how it's a good thing I'm not (and never was) "in charge"!
and I'm SO very thankful that the Lord is teaching me that His ways are higher.
I am finally starting to "get it" and instead of asking for X I don't want to put God in a box...He is infinitely more creative and all-knowing and I want what He has planned for me, instead of what I have planned for me!
I wasn't quite up to being 100% myself and with that I decided to just "be" with her.
3 year olds are a great way to be around someone and not feel judged, criticized, performance based or demanding of more than you have to give. (Don't get me wrong, they are demanding but usually it's fairly easy to meet their needs).
I wanted to pass the time until playgroup and since this one was actually in my neighborhood I rationalized I can put on "mom clothes" and take Timberlyn for a walk until I it was time and I decided I was ready to be somewhat social.
That's when it happened...an "Ah-ha" moment.
I was pushing her in the stroller and she said she saw some "worms" on the sidewalk. I thought about just saying "uh-huh" and moving forward and then I didn't. I stopped and turned back and said "No babe those aren't worms, it's part of the tree/leaves that have fallen down, gotten wet and some have been trampled". I then proceeded to show her these growths from the tree and how they probably fell, etc. We then turned back to continue on our path and I mentioned that the reason we don't see them beneath every tree is because each tree is different and unique...and then made some comment about how I don't know the names to all the trees (except Pine!) but that God made them all, each and every kind.
It hit me...My world wouldn't have made it!
In my finite mind I probably would've gone with only 1 type of tree...not realizing the delicate balance and reasoning behind the varieties. And, if I couldn't even get the nature right and diversified what in the world would I have come up with for the other ecosystems?
It's kind of funny, but serious at the same time.
I realize often how it's a good thing I'm not (and never was) "in charge"!
and I'm SO very thankful that the Lord is teaching me that His ways are higher.
I am finally starting to "get it" and instead of asking for X I don't want to put God in a box...He is infinitely more creative and all-knowing and I want what He has planned for me, instead of what I have planned for me!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Some of the "why"
Recently my oldest daughter Taylor went through the experience of trying out for cheerleader.
No big deal, right?
It's my job as her mom to be supportive and to help her try new things, experience life, etc. etc. This is true. Why is this a blog post? Because somehow through this process and attending bible study concurrently I discovered something about myself that was "jogged" if you will by her experience.
It is not the only thing, for that I am certain, however, it is a small morsel or example of "why I am the way I am" or for those of you too new to know what that means..."why I'm emotionally distant"
I only have a core hand-full of people that I let "in"...and even then it's only as much as I want & only when I want.
I recently shared one night during our Prayer Request time my concern for Taylor and her heart as she endured this process...and then I just kept going. Rewind back to Melissa's junior high formative years when she (I) had the brilliant idea of trying out for cheerleader. (Hindsight...I had NO business attempting or even contemplating the attempt of becoming a cheerleader) Apparently not the point...I decide anyway to try out...it was junior high and mostly based on votes over skill. We all did our cheers, etc in front of our peers, went back to vote and those of us who tried out were called to the library for the results...end result - I did not make it. No big deal. Was I sad, sure. Was I drastically upset, no. Then comes the conversations with friends once the results were released....One of my 'closest' friends tells me that another of my 'closest' friends did not vote for me...and then I believe the same was said about her or another 'close' friend. Did I think that everyone would vote for me? NO, of course not...did I think that my best friends should? Yes. For no other reason than the fact they were my best friends.
It wasn't "not making cheerleader" that hurt, it was the realization that people don't do/say in reality what they claim they will do.
To add insult to injury, I fast forward to the next year when my sister wanted to try out for cheerleading...and my parents told her "no". She was livid and being the great debater that she is went after it, throwing in everything and how they "let Melissa" try out the year before.
...this is where it turns ugly again...they let me because they "knew I wouldn't make it"...
ouch
WOW! Really old, random and to some a potentially lame "story"...but I actually got a lot from that little trip down memory lane.
There are so many more reasons & examples of wounds but I so thankful for where I am now.
I have the wonderful benefit of being able to work them out and pray for healing with my wonderful hubby of 14 years!! I sincerely can't believe that with all the detachment and relational issues that he's stuck by me for so long. I can be a very cold and distant person. Sure, I can be nice and giving when it's needed...but I'm talking the real 24/7 Melissa that's behind closed doors and is tired of being "fake" or putting on a show...that's the one Steven gets. It's real and honest alright, but I'm sure hearing my take on things takes its own toll. (sigh)
(On another note...no, Taylor didn't make cheerleader. She however only had to try out in front of judges on a non-school day...there were no peers involved. And she handled it all very graciously by getting Starbucks with her dad.)
No big deal, right?
It's my job as her mom to be supportive and to help her try new things, experience life, etc. etc. This is true. Why is this a blog post? Because somehow through this process and attending bible study concurrently I discovered something about myself that was "jogged" if you will by her experience.
It is not the only thing, for that I am certain, however, it is a small morsel or example of "why I am the way I am" or for those of you too new to know what that means..."why I'm emotionally distant"
I only have a core hand-full of people that I let "in"...and even then it's only as much as I want & only when I want.
I recently shared one night during our Prayer Request time my concern for Taylor and her heart as she endured this process...and then I just kept going. Rewind back to Melissa's junior high formative years when she (I) had the brilliant idea of trying out for cheerleader. (Hindsight...I had NO business attempting or even contemplating the attempt of becoming a cheerleader) Apparently not the point...I decide anyway to try out...it was junior high and mostly based on votes over skill. We all did our cheers, etc in front of our peers, went back to vote and those of us who tried out were called to the library for the results...end result - I did not make it. No big deal. Was I sad, sure. Was I drastically upset, no. Then comes the conversations with friends once the results were released....One of my 'closest' friends tells me that another of my 'closest' friends did not vote for me...and then I believe the same was said about her or another 'close' friend. Did I think that everyone would vote for me? NO, of course not...did I think that my best friends should? Yes. For no other reason than the fact they were my best friends.
It wasn't "not making cheerleader" that hurt, it was the realization that people don't do/say in reality what they claim they will do.
To add insult to injury, I fast forward to the next year when my sister wanted to try out for cheerleading...and my parents told her "no". She was livid and being the great debater that she is went after it, throwing in everything and how they "let Melissa" try out the year before.
...this is where it turns ugly again...they let me because they "knew I wouldn't make it"...
ouch
WOW! Really old, random and to some a potentially lame "story"...but I actually got a lot from that little trip down memory lane.
There are so many more reasons & examples of wounds but I so thankful for where I am now.
I have the wonderful benefit of being able to work them out and pray for healing with my wonderful hubby of 14 years!! I sincerely can't believe that with all the detachment and relational issues that he's stuck by me for so long. I can be a very cold and distant person. Sure, I can be nice and giving when it's needed...but I'm talking the real 24/7 Melissa that's behind closed doors and is tired of being "fake" or putting on a show...that's the one Steven gets. It's real and honest alright, but I'm sure hearing my take on things takes its own toll. (sigh)
(On another note...no, Taylor didn't make cheerleader. She however only had to try out in front of judges on a non-school day...there were no peers involved. And she handled it all very graciously by getting Starbucks with her dad.)
Intentions & some Ugly
I love and I hate intentions...they are after all just that!
I must admit I have had over a dozen blog attempts pop up and yet have not had the time to go write them up. I want to continue what I have started and yet I find myself incredibly overwhelmed at times that literally I'm choosing what gets put on the back burner. I have resolved that if I could dictate it at that moment that it would happen. Not reality though...
I've had a really rough cycle of emotions recently...and to a degree that's been a part of what's kept me away. (and then I'd get the thought that it is those things that put the "ugly" in the blog)...and I KNOW that...yet it's extremely vulnerable and then enters fear.
I suppose it's those moments where it's more "appropriate" if you will to physically journal with pen in hand but I can't do it. I've tried and it takes FOREVER...I give up b/c there's NO way my hand can keep up with my head!
I think it's because things caught me slightly off-guard following the NARM. I mean afterall I pushed so many things back not wanting to get caught off-guard IF I had NOT passed that when I found out I did I was FLOODED! I'll take it of course over the alternative, but I mean honestly there was no true break. I went from full-time student/apprentice to full-time studying/part-time working/while trying to be home with Timberlyn 3x/week, family/mom, trying to set up a business with everything from a logo, business cards, bank accounts, legal junk, etc etc etc. I had the blessing of being offered to share a new client, was contacted by another client, asked to not only teach but set-up a class and take on other responsibilities almost simultaneously...
My poor husband was thinking that once I had finished with school and passed the test that I'd be "me" again...or more likely "his" again...It was the perfect storm.
I started attending a women's bible study in this time...it was perfect and just what I asked for (flexible, encouraging, challenging/motivating) and yet it is still another day of the week that I'm busy. It has encouraged and taught me about how/when to say no and yet even with that I had the list of activities above.
I've felt incredibly close to the Lord and a real calling to spend time with him...and yet my shortcomings were blatantly brought to my face when my own husband shared how he feels as if he's on the back burner. (ouch)
I could NOT say enough positive things about the man. He's handsome, caring, patient, loving, willing to do ANYTHING for me, compassionate, forgiving, capable, motivating, encouraging, strong, an awesome chef, self-sacrificing...and the list goes on...
and then I realize I'm selfish...
I had not before contemplated it...I would have probably said I was anything but...however, even though in some small examples or aspects I could deflect and show examples of how giving I am those pale in comparison to the real day in and day out stuff of life.
It doesn't matter that I save a gift card somebody purchased for me only to use it on my kids or another friend's gift...that's easy and many people do it.
What's selfish is that I use my time for what I WANT (or feel I need to) use my time on.
*The kids are hard, they don't listen, they fight, they put me in a bad mood, they are constant - so it's easier for me to be disengaged and working on my own things rather than parent.
*Chores are constant, boring, never done and easier dictated - so it's easier for me to put them off and have someone else do them in my absence
*Staying home and being a mom is (INCREDIBLY) challenging/difficult - so it's easier for me to pursue my passion and invest in other people than my family
...OUCH!
Now what to do with that?
I'm up for suggestions but so far I think the awareness itself is a huge step...followed by lots of prayer and just challenging myself to be intentional with every day that I'm given.
I must admit I have had over a dozen blog attempts pop up and yet have not had the time to go write them up. I want to continue what I have started and yet I find myself incredibly overwhelmed at times that literally I'm choosing what gets put on the back burner. I have resolved that if I could dictate it at that moment that it would happen. Not reality though...
I've had a really rough cycle of emotions recently...and to a degree that's been a part of what's kept me away. (and then I'd get the thought that it is those things that put the "ugly" in the blog)...and I KNOW that...yet it's extremely vulnerable and then enters fear.
I suppose it's those moments where it's more "appropriate" if you will to physically journal with pen in hand but I can't do it. I've tried and it takes FOREVER...I give up b/c there's NO way my hand can keep up with my head!
I think it's because things caught me slightly off-guard following the NARM. I mean afterall I pushed so many things back not wanting to get caught off-guard IF I had NOT passed that when I found out I did I was FLOODED! I'll take it of course over the alternative, but I mean honestly there was no true break. I went from full-time student/apprentice to full-time studying/part-time working/while trying to be home with Timberlyn 3x/week, family/mom, trying to set up a business with everything from a logo, business cards, bank accounts, legal junk, etc etc etc. I had the blessing of being offered to share a new client, was contacted by another client, asked to not only teach but set-up a class and take on other responsibilities almost simultaneously...
My poor husband was thinking that once I had finished with school and passed the test that I'd be "me" again...or more likely "his" again...It was the perfect storm.
I started attending a women's bible study in this time...it was perfect and just what I asked for (flexible, encouraging, challenging/motivating) and yet it is still another day of the week that I'm busy. It has encouraged and taught me about how/when to say no and yet even with that I had the list of activities above.
I've felt incredibly close to the Lord and a real calling to spend time with him...and yet my shortcomings were blatantly brought to my face when my own husband shared how he feels as if he's on the back burner. (ouch)
I could NOT say enough positive things about the man. He's handsome, caring, patient, loving, willing to do ANYTHING for me, compassionate, forgiving, capable, motivating, encouraging, strong, an awesome chef, self-sacrificing...and the list goes on...
and then I realize I'm selfish...
I had not before contemplated it...I would have probably said I was anything but...however, even though in some small examples or aspects I could deflect and show examples of how giving I am those pale in comparison to the real day in and day out stuff of life.
It doesn't matter that I save a gift card somebody purchased for me only to use it on my kids or another friend's gift...that's easy and many people do it.
What's selfish is that I use my time for what I WANT (or feel I need to) use my time on.
*The kids are hard, they don't listen, they fight, they put me in a bad mood, they are constant - so it's easier for me to be disengaged and working on my own things rather than parent.
*Chores are constant, boring, never done and easier dictated - so it's easier for me to put them off and have someone else do them in my absence
*Staying home and being a mom is (INCREDIBLY) challenging/difficult - so it's easier for me to pursue my passion and invest in other people than my family
...OUCH!
Now what to do with that?
I'm up for suggestions but so far I think the awareness itself is a huge step...followed by lots of prayer and just challenging myself to be intentional with every day that I'm given.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Valentine's Day...better late than never!
I resolve to keep up I say!
So to be fair I lost my camera charger (I take the blame, still have NO idea where it went)...and was faithful to take pics of my cookie project (see previous post) and Valentines...and due to the OCD in me I could not write/publish a blog without said pics...thank you Ed! My hubby saved the day and found a charger and I'm back in business. (and not so stressed about tests/results/etc.)
Valentine's day...was awesome! Not so much the day, but everything surrounding...See on the actual Day of Valentines I was working, mentally anguishing/lamenting over the NARM I'd take the next day and physically driving up to Austin to read/pour over material and vent with a friend. I love my friends!
As a result, this year Steven and I celebrated early...Saturday, Feb. 11th.
In the past one of us takes Valentines and another our anniversary since they are less than 1 month apart. We have decided not to do a huge thing on Valentines because Timberlyn's birthday is super close (Feb. 12th) and well, I have conflicting swings behind the marketing of a holiday vs its intent...it can really become overwhelming I tell you!
I've also in recent years learned to head the advice of another friend...a past co-worker who had gone through the pain of divorce who shared with me how there came a time when they (her and her ex) didn't really celebrate things like that anymore...they'd get a "joint gift" (if there was something they needed) and call it a day. Basically I took from it that they stopped dating. They stopped doing the things you'd do if you were single and liked somebody and wanted to show them that.
That makes me think...and makes me sad.
I know there are lonely people out there...and I know everyone is tempted at some point. (Everyone's trigger is different; but the point is I don't want to let it get a foothold!)
All that to say...commercialized or not I want to celebrate Valentine's day with MY love! I can go as deep or not as I want. The important thing is that I do SOMETHING!
Fast forward....and I'm queen of remembering the details, the small off the wall comments people make. I turned that into a great Valentines gift...except for one problem...
Did you notice the TWO boxes in the back? Well I purchased one of them...got a GREAT deal! (and I got the tin of shortbread cookies that my hubby made the comment he had fond memories of/misses/and loves them!)....and HE PURCHASED THE OTHER! Apparently he wanted one so much that instead of waiting a few days for Valentines (to see what in the world his wife could have possibly given him) he'd just go ahead and get it! Darn it! Instead of letting it bother me too much, I resolve that I got him something he really did want! (we blessed someone else with the other)
I chalk this up to a score for me and a lesson in patience for him!
Then it was my turn...and I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the "gifting" presentation!
A smorgisborg! I loved it! and what was even better?? Check out what was in the bag....
Not sure if any of you "follow me" on Pinterest but if you do you may or may not have noticed that I "pinned" that little number on the right and commented "something I want for Timberlyn". It's the most fabulous (yes, I sometimes talk like that) retro swimsuit for my sweet girl! (Why is it a Valentine's gift to me?? Because it's from Janie & Jack and I refuse to indulge in it myself...but you see if it's a gift...well then that's different!) I was SO SUPER EXCITED! and then a little scared/nervous...you see that means my husband is stalking me! I didn't tell him I was on Pinterest! He searched, he looked, he found me, he checked out my boards and he went shopping!! (this puts things on a whole new level folks)
Oh yeah, for those curious...the pic was a painting he did with Timberlyn, underneath are some new cookie sheets and the two rolled up mats are not stick surfaces that should help to make flawless cookies....mmm cookies!
We did go out to dinner too...a place named Ray's in Fulshear. (Very fancy/chef place = pricey) We've been before and he loves it. It's good but I just love being with him and making him happy. (I could also do a $20 or less burger place....Mmm 5 Guys & spicy fries)
So to be fair I lost my camera charger (I take the blame, still have NO idea where it went)...and was faithful to take pics of my cookie project (see previous post) and Valentines...and due to the OCD in me I could not write/publish a blog without said pics...thank you Ed! My hubby saved the day and found a charger and I'm back in business. (and not so stressed about tests/results/etc.)
Valentine's day...was awesome! Not so much the day, but everything surrounding...See on the actual Day of Valentines I was working, mentally anguishing/lamenting over the NARM I'd take the next day and physically driving up to Austin to read/pour over material and vent with a friend. I love my friends!
As a result, this year Steven and I celebrated early...Saturday, Feb. 11th.
In the past one of us takes Valentines and another our anniversary since they are less than 1 month apart. We have decided not to do a huge thing on Valentines because Timberlyn's birthday is super close (Feb. 12th) and well, I have conflicting swings behind the marketing of a holiday vs its intent...it can really become overwhelming I tell you!
I've also in recent years learned to head the advice of another friend...a past co-worker who had gone through the pain of divorce who shared with me how there came a time when they (her and her ex) didn't really celebrate things like that anymore...they'd get a "joint gift" (if there was something they needed) and call it a day. Basically I took from it that they stopped dating. They stopped doing the things you'd do if you were single and liked somebody and wanted to show them that.
That makes me think...and makes me sad.
I know there are lonely people out there...and I know everyone is tempted at some point. (Everyone's trigger is different; but the point is I don't want to let it get a foothold!)
All that to say...commercialized or not I want to celebrate Valentine's day with MY love! I can go as deep or not as I want. The important thing is that I do SOMETHING!
Fast forward....and I'm queen of remembering the details, the small off the wall comments people make. I turned that into a great Valentines gift...except for one problem...
Did you notice the TWO boxes in the back? Well I purchased one of them...got a GREAT deal! (and I got the tin of shortbread cookies that my hubby made the comment he had fond memories of/misses/and loves them!)....and HE PURCHASED THE OTHER! Apparently he wanted one so much that instead of waiting a few days for Valentines (to see what in the world his wife could have possibly given him) he'd just go ahead and get it! Darn it! Instead of letting it bother me too much, I resolve that I got him something he really did want! (we blessed someone else with the other)
I chalk this up to a score for me and a lesson in patience for him!
Then it was my turn...and I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the "gifting" presentation!
A smorgisborg! I loved it! and what was even better?? Check out what was in the bag....
Not sure if any of you "follow me" on Pinterest but if you do you may or may not have noticed that I "pinned" that little number on the right and commented "something I want for Timberlyn". It's the most fabulous (yes, I sometimes talk like that) retro swimsuit for my sweet girl! (Why is it a Valentine's gift to me?? Because it's from Janie & Jack and I refuse to indulge in it myself...but you see if it's a gift...well then that's different!) I was SO SUPER EXCITED! and then a little scared/nervous...you see that means my husband is stalking me! I didn't tell him I was on Pinterest! He searched, he looked, he found me, he checked out my boards and he went shopping!! (this puts things on a whole new level folks)
Oh yeah, for those curious...the pic was a painting he did with Timberlyn, underneath are some new cookie sheets and the two rolled up mats are not stick surfaces that should help to make flawless cookies....mmm cookies!
We did go out to dinner too...a place named Ray's in Fulshear. (Very fancy/chef place = pricey) We've been before and he loves it. It's good but I just love being with him and making him happy. (I could also do a $20 or less burger place....Mmm 5 Guys & spicy fries)
Mmm Cookies!
See I didn't forget! (just extremely delayed!!)
I had "let" myself do a couple fun projects prior to taking my big test so that I could keep some sanity and not blow all my time!
One such project I had come across in a magazine was Martha Stewart's recipe for some super yummy coconut caramel cookies with rock salt! (see link in January's blog...the first or second one I believe)
I set myself up for success by attempting them when I had an event to go to in order to share with other people...no better place than the Super Bowl Party. =D
A friend of mine had recently had a baby so I also swung by her house to drop a baggie of them off for her to enjoy because goodness knows how much you eat during recovery & nursing!
Here's a few pics of the finished product!
Mmm....seeing the pictures makes me want them again!
There are some slight changes I'd make the next go round...which I'm thinking would be PERFECT for some type of shower/ladies gathering!
1st, the recipe says to roll dough into 1 inch balls....people I literally had the ruler out and did just that but I would roll them smaller next time (for 2 reasons: first, it makes more cookies! and second, I had a ton of caramel left over, and felt guilty wasting it...so more cookies means more places to put the caramel topping)
My other goal in this step would also be to reduce the baking time and maybe keep all the coconut golden and not have any get the blackened look.
2nd, I would slightly reduce the amount of caramel...even with making additional cookies as mentioned above I don't think I'd be able to use it all. The other option of course would be doubling the cookie dough part of it...then I'd keep the caramel the same....Mmmm caramel!
The flaky salt was a fun thing to try. It comes in a small box at the grocery store and was not cheap...so in order to utilize it...I'm just going to have to try these yummies again (and again). darn the luck! ;-p
I had "let" myself do a couple fun projects prior to taking my big test so that I could keep some sanity and not blow all my time!
One such project I had come across in a magazine was Martha Stewart's recipe for some super yummy coconut caramel cookies with rock salt! (see link in January's blog...the first or second one I believe)
I set myself up for success by attempting them when I had an event to go to in order to share with other people...no better place than the Super Bowl Party. =D
A friend of mine had recently had a baby so I also swung by her house to drop a baggie of them off for her to enjoy because goodness knows how much you eat during recovery & nursing!
Here's a few pics of the finished product!
Mmm....seeing the pictures makes me want them again!
There are some slight changes I'd make the next go round...which I'm thinking would be PERFECT for some type of shower/ladies gathering!
1st, the recipe says to roll dough into 1 inch balls....people I literally had the ruler out and did just that but I would roll them smaller next time (for 2 reasons: first, it makes more cookies! and second, I had a ton of caramel left over, and felt guilty wasting it...so more cookies means more places to put the caramel topping)
My other goal in this step would also be to reduce the baking time and maybe keep all the coconut golden and not have any get the blackened look.
2nd, I would slightly reduce the amount of caramel...even with making additional cookies as mentioned above I don't think I'd be able to use it all. The other option of course would be doubling the cookie dough part of it...then I'd keep the caramel the same....Mmmm caramel!
The flaky salt was a fun thing to try. It comes in a small box at the grocery store and was not cheap...so in order to utilize it...I'm just going to have to try these yummies again (and again). darn the luck! ;-p
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Oh the Insanity!
I have not forgotten about my journaling quest/attempts...only got a bit deterred!
I still owe a post about the super delicious caramel coconut cookies...but I ran into a camera battery/charger debacle and that will need to wait just a bit longer. (but yes, they were awesome and super delicious!)
My mind has been racing! Thank the Lord I am on the other side of things as I finished one part of my journey (hopefully for good) when I took the NARM exam on Wednesday, February 15th. I was so stressed out and felt as if I had not adequately prepared as the days and hours ticked by for my departure on the road for Austin. Turns out that was all for not. Sure, I could have prepared more; however, after taking the exam I realized that with more days or weeks for preparation the studying I was doing was not going to help me. I was focusing on the details and not the "overall/general". While the details can help I was becoming consumed in the nit-picky intricacies...which turned out to be all in my head. (Imagine that!)
I felt extremely confident after the first half of the test. We were given 4 hours, I took 2...and then thought I should review for 1/2 an hour before turning in my test. I did...and then took off for lunch. I thoroughly enjoyed the break, getting out of that cold/sterile room and being able to move, stretch, talk, laugh...and BREATHE! I thought to myself that if that was it I was surely going to pass the test!
Then it was time for the second half...1pm. Directions given (cause you know we couldn't remember what we did just hours prior), pencils up, mouths shut, head/eyes down and no movement (or breathing) for another span of hours!! This part was more challenging. I was able to figure out which 2 were not the appropriate choice and then which 2 were...but deciding which answer between the 2 proved more difficult. Basically the second part was case scenarios...which are good...except that when I am picturing the situation and a laboring woman and they set it up with what is going on and "which step should you take first"....I look at the answers and think "well, I'd do all of them...so why does it matter what I'd do first"? Literally it's a difference of a) would you take the mom's blood pressure first or b) would you take her pulse first or c) would you check her urine...etc., etc. So...it was frustrating because while I knew what they were looking at or wanting us to pick up about the situation I was focusing on how silly it was because in real life I'd know the answer to all of those vitals within 5 minutes or less. Hmmmm.
The second go round it took me 2 1/2 hours...followed by 30 minutes of "checking/doubting/reviewing"! I changed one answer...read another one I had questioned myself over and changed it...then thought about it, drew it out and decided (based on one word in the question) to change it back. At that moment I knew I had better take the test away from myself...when you start erasing and changing and then changing back you become dangerous. I know they say to "check your work" but honestly at this point it was only creating doubt in my mind...especially as I did not feel as confident in this session as I had that morning. So I went with the other saying of "go with your original answer"......and PRAYED!
At this point the weight that was lifted off of my mind had been replaced by the weight of all the food I had been packing on and in as I tried to comfort eat to fill the void/offset the anxiety!! That and now I have the equally grueling task of waiting for the results!
...tick tock....tick tock....tick tock
I vowed to keep my mind busy and active...partly because I seem to always find something to do so I was just being honest and realistic and partly because I think that if I think about it too much I really don't know what to think about the results. I want to be optimistic but I also don't want to convince myself that I passed and there's no need to think twice about it only to find out that indeed I did not....
How am I handling the questions as to how I think I did?!?! Well...I am very appreciative to those that ask and who remember and care enough to have prayed for me and are genuinely interested...and then I'm frustrated at the same time. I know they want to hear that I felt great about it...and that I'm confident. Really and honestly I just don't know.
I still owe a post about the super delicious caramel coconut cookies...but I ran into a camera battery/charger debacle and that will need to wait just a bit longer. (but yes, they were awesome and super delicious!)
My mind has been racing! Thank the Lord I am on the other side of things as I finished one part of my journey (hopefully for good) when I took the NARM exam on Wednesday, February 15th. I was so stressed out and felt as if I had not adequately prepared as the days and hours ticked by for my departure on the road for Austin. Turns out that was all for not. Sure, I could have prepared more; however, after taking the exam I realized that with more days or weeks for preparation the studying I was doing was not going to help me. I was focusing on the details and not the "overall/general". While the details can help I was becoming consumed in the nit-picky intricacies...which turned out to be all in my head. (Imagine that!)
I felt extremely confident after the first half of the test. We were given 4 hours, I took 2...and then thought I should review for 1/2 an hour before turning in my test. I did...and then took off for lunch. I thoroughly enjoyed the break, getting out of that cold/sterile room and being able to move, stretch, talk, laugh...and BREATHE! I thought to myself that if that was it I was surely going to pass the test!
Then it was time for the second half...1pm. Directions given (cause you know we couldn't remember what we did just hours prior), pencils up, mouths shut, head/eyes down and no movement (or breathing) for another span of hours!! This part was more challenging. I was able to figure out which 2 were not the appropriate choice and then which 2 were...but deciding which answer between the 2 proved more difficult. Basically the second part was case scenarios...which are good...except that when I am picturing the situation and a laboring woman and they set it up with what is going on and "which step should you take first"....I look at the answers and think "well, I'd do all of them...so why does it matter what I'd do first"? Literally it's a difference of a) would you take the mom's blood pressure first or b) would you take her pulse first or c) would you check her urine...etc., etc. So...it was frustrating because while I knew what they were looking at or wanting us to pick up about the situation I was focusing on how silly it was because in real life I'd know the answer to all of those vitals within 5 minutes or less. Hmmmm.
The second go round it took me 2 1/2 hours...followed by 30 minutes of "checking/doubting/reviewing"! I changed one answer...read another one I had questioned myself over and changed it...then thought about it, drew it out and decided (based on one word in the question) to change it back. At that moment I knew I had better take the test away from myself...when you start erasing and changing and then changing back you become dangerous. I know they say to "check your work" but honestly at this point it was only creating doubt in my mind...especially as I did not feel as confident in this session as I had that morning. So I went with the other saying of "go with your original answer"......and PRAYED!
At this point the weight that was lifted off of my mind had been replaced by the weight of all the food I had been packing on and in as I tried to comfort eat to fill the void/offset the anxiety!! That and now I have the equally grueling task of waiting for the results!
...tick tock....tick tock....tick tock
I vowed to keep my mind busy and active...partly because I seem to always find something to do so I was just being honest and realistic and partly because I think that if I think about it too much I really don't know what to think about the results. I want to be optimistic but I also don't want to convince myself that I passed and there's no need to think twice about it only to find out that indeed I did not....
How am I handling the questions as to how I think I did?!?! Well...I am very appreciative to those that ask and who remember and care enough to have prayed for me and are genuinely interested...and then I'm frustrated at the same time. I know they want to hear that I felt great about it...and that I'm confident. Really and honestly I just don't know.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Finnegan Begin AGAIN!!
Some of you are intrigued by the title, some of you are singing the lyrics in your head, and some of you didn't notice...LOL (I'm singing the song in my head!)
This week marked the last week of my self-imposed boot camp that I randomly decided to dive into after getting a groupon notification of the special! COMPLETE! Yea!!
Was it everything I had hoped and more? No
Did it help in any way? Yes
Am I glad I did it? Yes
Would I do it again? Funny you should ask....
Cue random second email from a completely different organization....another awesome deal for a 28 day day (4-week) program that meets inside Westwood gymnastics...another conveniently located location (drive time, etc). ("BEGIN AGAIN") Is that all? No
This time my hubby is doing it with me!! muahahaha
Added bonus....we chose the 5:45AM time slot instead of the 5AM time slot...with my hopes being that I will feel like I get to "sleep in"!
Extra bonus is that it's actually offered 4 separate times in the morning and that (to my understanding) you're free to switch back and forth to what works for you that day or week. SCORE! My life/career being what it is, I may benefit tremendously from this flexibility.
I did lose weight with my first boot camp...not much but it was in the range of what they claimed you could expect. More importantly it was a kick start to a good beginning this year. On my own I added a double workout once a week (outside the class). Typically on Saturday I'd do a double with some group exercise classes from the Y. I'm not gonna lie, it's really intense doing them back to back, but I do not have the time to go once in the morning and then again later that day. It usually works best when I hit a 7:30 class and stay for the 8:30...then I'm completely done by 9:30AM. So, it doesn't take up my entire day and I still get the family time...(can prove to be a good or a bad thing).
The one drawback from our selected time slot is that we won't be up with Thomas & Taylor in the morning as they get off for junior high. This month since I've been home by 6:10 or so, I've been able to "guide" them in the morning and make sure they actually make a lunch and eat breakfast...sometime they like to sleep until the last possible minute giving themselves only a brief pocket to actually change and get somewhat presentable before heading out the door. Food therefore is an afterthought. (I'm sure they later regret it, but not enough to actually change the habit/behavior for the next morning) I'll just have to get more consistent with making sure they assemble at least part of their lunch the night before...which I had been off to a great start when they went back to school after the break, BUT let's just say when mom isn't doing the prompting no one else does either and then it doesn't get done. UGH!
Anyway, I'm pretty excited (and a little nervous) for this second boot camp. Their claims of weight loss/dress size are probably double what the first one was...so, I'm excited to find out if it's true and if I can actually get those results but I'm nervous because I've been working my tail off...so what in the world are they (we) going to do to get those results!?!!??! AAaahhh!
This week marked the last week of my self-imposed boot camp that I randomly decided to dive into after getting a groupon notification of the special! COMPLETE! Yea!!
Was it everything I had hoped and more? No
Did it help in any way? Yes
Am I glad I did it? Yes
Would I do it again? Funny you should ask....
Cue random second email from a completely different organization....another awesome deal for a 28 day day (4-week) program that meets inside Westwood gymnastics...another conveniently located location (drive time, etc). ("BEGIN AGAIN") Is that all? No
This time my hubby is doing it with me!! muahahaha
Added bonus....we chose the 5:45AM time slot instead of the 5AM time slot...with my hopes being that I will feel like I get to "sleep in"!
Extra bonus is that it's actually offered 4 separate times in the morning and that (to my understanding) you're free to switch back and forth to what works for you that day or week. SCORE! My life/career being what it is, I may benefit tremendously from this flexibility.
I did lose weight with my first boot camp...not much but it was in the range of what they claimed you could expect. More importantly it was a kick start to a good beginning this year. On my own I added a double workout once a week (outside the class). Typically on Saturday I'd do a double with some group exercise classes from the Y. I'm not gonna lie, it's really intense doing them back to back, but I do not have the time to go once in the morning and then again later that day. It usually works best when I hit a 7:30 class and stay for the 8:30...then I'm completely done by 9:30AM. So, it doesn't take up my entire day and I still get the family time...(can prove to be a good or a bad thing).
The one drawback from our selected time slot is that we won't be up with Thomas & Taylor in the morning as they get off for junior high. This month since I've been home by 6:10 or so, I've been able to "guide" them in the morning and make sure they actually make a lunch and eat breakfast...sometime they like to sleep until the last possible minute giving themselves only a brief pocket to actually change and get somewhat presentable before heading out the door. Food therefore is an afterthought. (I'm sure they later regret it, but not enough to actually change the habit/behavior for the next morning) I'll just have to get more consistent with making sure they assemble at least part of their lunch the night before...which I had been off to a great start when they went back to school after the break, BUT let's just say when mom isn't doing the prompting no one else does either and then it doesn't get done. UGH!
Anyway, I'm pretty excited (and a little nervous) for this second boot camp. Their claims of weight loss/dress size are probably double what the first one was...so, I'm excited to find out if it's true and if I can actually get those results but I'm nervous because I've been working my tail off...so what in the world are they (we) going to do to get those results!?!!??! AAaahhh!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I..."we" did it!
Tah-Dah!
YEA! The girls and I were successful and over the weekend we made the Valentine Heart project that I found on my friend's blog.
It was probably NOT the best picture of mother/daughter moments...but alas, we stuck it out and accomplished what we set out to do. We have hung it in our kitchen by the table so that we can enjoy it at every meal & throughout the day (when we're home)! I LOVE having some decorations up! And it inspired me to update my wreath at the front door.
Fun & festive! It works from now through April (in my head anyway)...Timberlyn was with me as we ventured out to Michael's with a 40% off coupon and no idea what we were searching for...until I found it.
Once we were home and hung it up she was so excite to tell daddy about it and how beautiful it was and how she "loved it"! CUTE! Maybe I can get her shopping after all...well, I can dream!
I love Valentines...probably for a myriad of reasons but for some reason even more this year. (I'm wondering if it's a stall/distraction tactic as the NARM is the following day, Wednesday, February 15th)...so maybe if I focus hard enough on Valentines then it'll just magically take care of itself? Dreaming again, I know!
So, that's one project down and 2 to go!! And unfortunately I'm setting myself up for FAILURE with regard to sticking to that limit! I joined pinterest today! I thought I had been on before and already done it, but maybe I was just lurking...today was for "real" and holy moly is it addicting! I think I already have 3-5 things I want to try to bake/make. EVIL I tell you, evil! I am trying to stick to my guns though! I plan to try my coconut caramel cookies sometime next week, and then Timberlyn's cupcakes are well, for her birthday party...and I may have decided to add a small something to her friends goodie bags that would entail baking...but both of those would be after I complete the NARM...hence why I purposefully scheduled her party for the following weekend as opposed to the weekend before (as her birthday actually falls). =) Good thinking!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Maybe I have ADD...
What is wrong with me? Why do I constantly find so many things to do?
It's not that I'm not content...it's just that these things come to me and then I feel as though I should do them! I need another project like I need a new hole in my head!
I truly wish I knew which way things would end up better...depending on the choices that I make. I know this is where Faith comes into practice but I struggle with which "good" thing is the right good thing for me (and my family).
I want to be a crafty mom, like in projects and household things....
I want to learn spanish and do an internship in El Paso to further develop midwifery practice...
I want to go on a mission trip (ideally one that involves pregnancies/babies)...
I want to look into how to become a cranial sacral therapist...
I want to find out how to help my 3rd grader become a better student (and not get frustrated)...
I want to have my house cleaned more than sporadically (or just a few rooms at a time)...
I want to finish setting up my midwifery business (marketing, bank account, supplies, etc.)...
BUT...I HAVE to WAIT! AHH!
Right now I've limited myself (and I have to do these things...cause it's insane I'm telling you!) to just study! Study, study, study...blah, blah, blah...The NARM exam is 4 weeks away. Wednesday, February 15th. My "extras" above (not counting my daughter of course) don't matter until I follow through on this huge step in my life.
It's hard...and I think what makes it more challenging is that I can't do it all. I wish I knew if some of them would be worth it before exerting the time, $ and energy into taking it on!! (there's more wants...just going with the top 7) =D
Valentine's is coming up...and I want to do some fun/cute Valentine's things...(Oh yeah, and my Timberlyn's birthday on Feb. 12th!)...Sometimes I can't help it!
So...perhaps a limit?
One craft project involving the girls... A friend's heart wreath idea!
Experimenting with filled cupcakes (I'll try a simple combination) for Timberlyn's birthday
Trying one fun "goody" for Valentines...Coconut cookies with salted caramel...mmm
Hmm...will I be content with the 3??
It's not that I'm not content...it's just that these things come to me and then I feel as though I should do them! I need another project like I need a new hole in my head!
I truly wish I knew which way things would end up better...depending on the choices that I make. I know this is where Faith comes into practice but I struggle with which "good" thing is the right good thing for me (and my family).
I want to be a crafty mom, like in projects and household things....
I want to learn spanish and do an internship in El Paso to further develop midwifery practice...
I want to go on a mission trip (ideally one that involves pregnancies/babies)...
I want to look into how to become a cranial sacral therapist...
I want to find out how to help my 3rd grader become a better student (and not get frustrated)...
I want to have my house cleaned more than sporadically (or just a few rooms at a time)...
I want to finish setting up my midwifery business (marketing, bank account, supplies, etc.)...
BUT...I HAVE to WAIT! AHH!
Right now I've limited myself (and I have to do these things...cause it's insane I'm telling you!) to just study! Study, study, study...blah, blah, blah...The NARM exam is 4 weeks away. Wednesday, February 15th. My "extras" above (not counting my daughter of course) don't matter until I follow through on this huge step in my life.
It's hard...and I think what makes it more challenging is that I can't do it all. I wish I knew if some of them would be worth it before exerting the time, $ and energy into taking it on!! (there's more wants...just going with the top 7) =D
Valentine's is coming up...and I want to do some fun/cute Valentine's things...(Oh yeah, and my Timberlyn's birthday on Feb. 12th!)...Sometimes I can't help it!
So...perhaps a limit?
One craft project involving the girls... A friend's heart wreath idea!
Experimenting with filled cupcakes (I'll try a simple combination) for Timberlyn's birthday
Trying one fun "goody" for Valentines...Coconut cookies with salted caramel...mmm
Hmm...will I be content with the 3??
Friday, January 13, 2012
Friday Fumblings
To say this week has not gone as planned is a joke. I know it happens to us all but it doesn't make it any less frustrating!
I think the last day I've successfully studied for my huge midwifery test was Tuesday, and even then I was "on edge" as I had received a "heads up" call that I may be going to a birth. Things worked out and I have to say that as much as the crazy has been happening I'm also totally seeing/feeling the Lord's presence.
I ended up being able to utilize my quiet Tuesday for studying (Timber was at the sitter's, the kids at school and Steven at a client's office). I was even able to take Taylor and Thea to tumbling...and just at the end got the call that it was time to head out. Long story short, it wasn't time yet...so I got to come back home in time to go to bed and not miss boot camp. Right after boot camp I checked my phone and had been called out again for attempt #2...not bad timing I'd beat AM rush traffic. That was a no go as well...but I was so thrilled I felt the Lord did it for me...I had a facial & massage scheduled that morning (it was a graduation gift to myself that I scheduled back in November). I was able to go! Had just enough time to make it home and get cleaned up and then head out. Steven and Timber came with me to Sugar Land and went to a nearby indoor play place so that afterwards we could have lunch together. It was a really good time and I felt totally relaxed and odd for having such a nice turnout with the timing and getting some "me" time. On our way home Steven was called into work so I settled in to put Timber down for a nap. I had just sat down to check email and begin studying when I was called to attempt the birth for the 3rd time. I knew it was coming...but I was in a hard place as Steven was gone, Timber was asleep and the kids not quite home from school. I had to make the tough call and say I probably couldn't make it, knowing this time there'd be a baby...and it would make my previous attempts in vain. I had one shot of calling her sitter (a neighbor at the end of the street that watches kids everyday and Timber only on T/Th...) to see if by any chance she was able to keep her for 1 hour until my older ones could pick her up. (*This is the huge benefit of using this lady! My older ones can get her and not need a car, cross the road or anything!!) The Lord made a way again and she said "YES!"
The birth went well, quickly that time and I was home by 7pm that night. Another blessing! I would not be missing boot camp and I had made every appointment!
Thursday started off great...good work out, excellent quiet time that was a reflection of how our days should go and how even though we don't know what's ahead the Lord does and we are to trust that he'll equip us to handle it. I was so encouraged thinking it would be a great day! Immediately after my quiet time the day got away from me. That morning the extra hours of studying I thought I'd enjoy did not exist. Timberlyn woke up early and between setting her up with breakfast and a movie and picking out her clothes for the day (she'd be going to the sitter's) and then helping to get her off and going it was suddenly time for me to start getting ready as I had to drive out to Sugar Land again; this time for a meeting with a CPA regarding setting up my personal, small business. It is/was a necessary evil but a chunk of time nonetheless. My mother-in-law had also scheduled to take me to lunch that day and we set the appt so I'd have plenty of time for my meeting plus drive time, etc.
*Side note...the CPA was great...very calm and informative...but I there's something about the whole tax thing and the process that makes my insides crawl! Even though my major was Finance at HBU and I took 12 hours of accounting I cannot stand it! Maybe it's the ever changing nature of taxes in general so there's no "set" comfort point or just the stress of the IRS or what, but blah! Let's just say I should be able to do my own taxes and yet, I refuse! I have to set an arbitrary date in March just so that come April I'm free and don't have to worry about it. I hate it that much.
All that said, I had some time afterwards and yet instead of coming home and studying I had to discuss at length what I had learned with my hubby (who was at a client's even though I REALLY wanted his presence to learn too!!) and then once home I had to get online to investigate tax junk. See, my WHOLE entire point of doing this is so that I could properly know how I want to keep "my books" and set up a checking account so that I can FINALLY start ordering some business/professional equipment...and subsequently be able to write it off...or depreciate it as I came to learn I would need to do with the purchases I planned to make initially. Well, for those who may not know...setting up a business checking account is a pain. You need your business name (check, already have my DBA) and a tax id #....which is weird to me, b/c my services are not taxable. So then I had to research how to get a tax id, etc. I was on/off the phone with Steven this whole time. Nothing was solved....I need him in person and the once calm, focused manner I was in during/just after my CPA meeting was gone...STRESS BALL! and then I look up and it's time to go to meet Sandi for lunch at Brookwood.
Lunch was great (nice place, if you've never been) and I enjoyed the time to catch up and not have 12 people around, etc. I had no place to be except of course home studying...only I also had to pick Taylor up from tutoring at a certain time...I cannot stand driving all around and back and forth wasting time...and my pocket of time was not enough to go home and study. Instead I went by the Katy Birth Center to drop off some thank you cards for recent Christmas/Graduation gifts and headed to the school to pick up Taylor. I've done this long enough to know to always have something in the car to do and so I did have some study cards to review as I waited. Wow...2 study cards later and out she comes.
I get home hoping to take advantage of the remaining time without Timber (pick up is by 5) and was able to read a few pages interrupted almost constantly by telling my older two to be quiet and stay on task.
*Kid side note: I was hoping that by actually being home with them and up in the mornings/when they got home from school each day that I could parent better. What this translates into is just repeating myself of what they need to do next. They frequently get off task and one starts messing with another and it snow balls. Yea, I'm home to be the referee! (insert extreme sarcasm) I am experimenting with leaving each child (older 3) an afternoon "to do" list that they must reference and do each day prior to free time...it's not completely militaristic...it has "snack, homework, an area of study they may need to focus an additional 10-15 minutes on, and a chore/or consequence (only if they had earned one)" We'll see how it goes.
Anyway...time flew as the clock neared 5pm and that was it, my study of the day. SO NOT ENOUGH for my major test! Then I go, pick up Timber and the day spirals even further downwards....
To put it nicely after a confrontation with my son, he continued to spiral out of control. I'm sure most of it was him taking advantage of Steven not being present (he had to work late), but he likes to just shut down and mess with people if he's not getting his way OR if you ask him to do things he doesn't feel he needs to do. HUGE fight/CLASHING of heads, etc. There was one slight reprieve only to get stirred back up into physical confrontation. I was keeping Steven informed of the happenings so that he was prepared (he was on his way) but man, what a crappy afternoon/evening. Steven finally gets home and that was that...that was the day. His entire evening was spent dealing with Thomas. He tries to reason, he tries to give him space...that boy is exhausting! There's yelling, fighting, yelling, crying, shutting down, verbal over exaggerations, we're the worst parents ever, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep the girls on task for evening routine (to make the next morning go smoothly...this helps A LOT!) There's so much going on and I'm so upset from my dealings with him AND that my time with Steven was taken away that I can't focus...I can't study, I can't attack my to do list....AHH!
What happened to my beautiful day?
- Still successfully not going to the store...was supposed to go tonight...that was ruined! I will be going Friday, so that's something. I did however, start eating better starting Tuesday. I knew I could push off the shopping and it was beginning to be a mental game. I told myself to stop and have used each day as it's own challenge. With that I'm also refusing to let myself be consumed by this. One of my pet peeves (I've lost count as to the #, ha ha) is people so vocal as to what they are or are not doing. If someone asks sure I'll answer them, but otherwise...to just volunteer "Oh, I don't eat that or this has ___ calories/points, etc." (yes I've been guilty) annoys me! It makes the other person feel bad. Order what you know you can order and shut your mouth. You can say some things like when I was at lunch with Sandi and she asked if I wanted to split a dessert I replied "I'm trying to be good". That is the truth...YES, I WANT a dessert...and it was SUPER tempting. but by saying what I did it was honest and didn't make her feel bad....as if I would have said "WHAT??!! That's like 2000 calories" which is obnoxious! Same goes for a meal itself...if I was invited over and had no choice about the menu I could eat a small portion of whatever they were serving instead of not eating in front of them or making some big deal about how horrible it is for you. Just be normal and be sensible!
*Side note - feel free to comment, encourage, ream me, whatever after any of my posts...
I think the last day I've successfully studied for my huge midwifery test was Tuesday, and even then I was "on edge" as I had received a "heads up" call that I may be going to a birth. Things worked out and I have to say that as much as the crazy has been happening I'm also totally seeing/feeling the Lord's presence.
I ended up being able to utilize my quiet Tuesday for studying (Timber was at the sitter's, the kids at school and Steven at a client's office). I was even able to take Taylor and Thea to tumbling...and just at the end got the call that it was time to head out. Long story short, it wasn't time yet...so I got to come back home in time to go to bed and not miss boot camp. Right after boot camp I checked my phone and had been called out again for attempt #2...not bad timing I'd beat AM rush traffic. That was a no go as well...but I was so thrilled I felt the Lord did it for me...I had a facial & massage scheduled that morning (it was a graduation gift to myself that I scheduled back in November). I was able to go! Had just enough time to make it home and get cleaned up and then head out. Steven and Timber came with me to Sugar Land and went to a nearby indoor play place so that afterwards we could have lunch together. It was a really good time and I felt totally relaxed and odd for having such a nice turnout with the timing and getting some "me" time. On our way home Steven was called into work so I settled in to put Timber down for a nap. I had just sat down to check email and begin studying when I was called to attempt the birth for the 3rd time. I knew it was coming...but I was in a hard place as Steven was gone, Timber was asleep and the kids not quite home from school. I had to make the tough call and say I probably couldn't make it, knowing this time there'd be a baby...and it would make my previous attempts in vain. I had one shot of calling her sitter (a neighbor at the end of the street that watches kids everyday and Timber only on T/Th...) to see if by any chance she was able to keep her for 1 hour until my older ones could pick her up. (*This is the huge benefit of using this lady! My older ones can get her and not need a car, cross the road or anything!!) The Lord made a way again and she said "YES!"
The birth went well, quickly that time and I was home by 7pm that night. Another blessing! I would not be missing boot camp and I had made every appointment!
Thursday started off great...good work out, excellent quiet time that was a reflection of how our days should go and how even though we don't know what's ahead the Lord does and we are to trust that he'll equip us to handle it. I was so encouraged thinking it would be a great day! Immediately after my quiet time the day got away from me. That morning the extra hours of studying I thought I'd enjoy did not exist. Timberlyn woke up early and between setting her up with breakfast and a movie and picking out her clothes for the day (she'd be going to the sitter's) and then helping to get her off and going it was suddenly time for me to start getting ready as I had to drive out to Sugar Land again; this time for a meeting with a CPA regarding setting up my personal, small business. It is/was a necessary evil but a chunk of time nonetheless. My mother-in-law had also scheduled to take me to lunch that day and we set the appt so I'd have plenty of time for my meeting plus drive time, etc.
*Side note...the CPA was great...very calm and informative...but I there's something about the whole tax thing and the process that makes my insides crawl! Even though my major was Finance at HBU and I took 12 hours of accounting I cannot stand it! Maybe it's the ever changing nature of taxes in general so there's no "set" comfort point or just the stress of the IRS or what, but blah! Let's just say I should be able to do my own taxes and yet, I refuse! I have to set an arbitrary date in March just so that come April I'm free and don't have to worry about it. I hate it that much.
All that said, I had some time afterwards and yet instead of coming home and studying I had to discuss at length what I had learned with my hubby (who was at a client's even though I REALLY wanted his presence to learn too!!) and then once home I had to get online to investigate tax junk. See, my WHOLE entire point of doing this is so that I could properly know how I want to keep "my books" and set up a checking account so that I can FINALLY start ordering some business/professional equipment...and subsequently be able to write it off...or depreciate it as I came to learn I would need to do with the purchases I planned to make initially. Well, for those who may not know...setting up a business checking account is a pain. You need your business name (check, already have my DBA) and a tax id #....which is weird to me, b/c my services are not taxable. So then I had to research how to get a tax id, etc. I was on/off the phone with Steven this whole time. Nothing was solved....I need him in person and the once calm, focused manner I was in during/just after my CPA meeting was gone...STRESS BALL! and then I look up and it's time to go to meet Sandi for lunch at Brookwood.
Lunch was great (nice place, if you've never been) and I enjoyed the time to catch up and not have 12 people around, etc. I had no place to be except of course home studying...only I also had to pick Taylor up from tutoring at a certain time...I cannot stand driving all around and back and forth wasting time...and my pocket of time was not enough to go home and study. Instead I went by the Katy Birth Center to drop off some thank you cards for recent Christmas/Graduation gifts and headed to the school to pick up Taylor. I've done this long enough to know to always have something in the car to do and so I did have some study cards to review as I waited. Wow...2 study cards later and out she comes.
I get home hoping to take advantage of the remaining time without Timber (pick up is by 5) and was able to read a few pages interrupted almost constantly by telling my older two to be quiet and stay on task.
*Kid side note: I was hoping that by actually being home with them and up in the mornings/when they got home from school each day that I could parent better. What this translates into is just repeating myself of what they need to do next. They frequently get off task and one starts messing with another and it snow balls. Yea, I'm home to be the referee! (insert extreme sarcasm) I am experimenting with leaving each child (older 3) an afternoon "to do" list that they must reference and do each day prior to free time...it's not completely militaristic...it has "snack, homework, an area of study they may need to focus an additional 10-15 minutes on, and a chore/or consequence (only if they had earned one)" We'll see how it goes.
Anyway...time flew as the clock neared 5pm and that was it, my study of the day. SO NOT ENOUGH for my major test! Then I go, pick up Timber and the day spirals even further downwards....
To put it nicely after a confrontation with my son, he continued to spiral out of control. I'm sure most of it was him taking advantage of Steven not being present (he had to work late), but he likes to just shut down and mess with people if he's not getting his way OR if you ask him to do things he doesn't feel he needs to do. HUGE fight/CLASHING of heads, etc. There was one slight reprieve only to get stirred back up into physical confrontation. I was keeping Steven informed of the happenings so that he was prepared (he was on his way) but man, what a crappy afternoon/evening. Steven finally gets home and that was that...that was the day. His entire evening was spent dealing with Thomas. He tries to reason, he tries to give him space...that boy is exhausting! There's yelling, fighting, yelling, crying, shutting down, verbal over exaggerations, we're the worst parents ever, etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep the girls on task for evening routine (to make the next morning go smoothly...this helps A LOT!) There's so much going on and I'm so upset from my dealings with him AND that my time with Steven was taken away that I can't focus...I can't study, I can't attack my to do list....AHH!
What happened to my beautiful day?
- Still successfully not going to the store...was supposed to go tonight...that was ruined! I will be going Friday, so that's something. I did however, start eating better starting Tuesday. I knew I could push off the shopping and it was beginning to be a mental game. I told myself to stop and have used each day as it's own challenge. With that I'm also refusing to let myself be consumed by this. One of my pet peeves (I've lost count as to the #, ha ha) is people so vocal as to what they are or are not doing. If someone asks sure I'll answer them, but otherwise...to just volunteer "Oh, I don't eat that or this has ___ calories/points, etc." (yes I've been guilty) annoys me! It makes the other person feel bad. Order what you know you can order and shut your mouth. You can say some things like when I was at lunch with Sandi and she asked if I wanted to split a dessert I replied "I'm trying to be good". That is the truth...YES, I WANT a dessert...and it was SUPER tempting. but by saying what I did it was honest and didn't make her feel bad....as if I would have said "WHAT??!! That's like 2000 calories" which is obnoxious! Same goes for a meal itself...if I was invited over and had no choice about the menu I could eat a small portion of whatever they were serving instead of not eating in front of them or making some big deal about how horrible it is for you. Just be normal and be sensible!
*Side note - feel free to comment, encourage, ream me, whatever after any of my posts...
Monday, January 9, 2012
It's not so bad
I made myself not "journal" yesterday on purpose...one I didn't want to set a daily post expectation and two I wasn't sure how it would affect my mental take on this blog/journal posting thing. So, that's that...taking it a day at a time.
My last post was a positive one about things I'm noticing right off the bat with the new stance if you will...and then (probably because I posted it) negativity! Not that I expected everything would be rosy from now on (I know better) but I hate how you can practically guarantee the mood change. It was really nothing that bad...a moody husband (and I can assure you I'm not Mrs. Positivity, so trying to carry my own load and pull someone else out of theirs is a bit much!) and constant kids! Basically being "all in" means I come last. This is not a pity party and when I think about it I understand the broad scope; however, it's not "fun" and it's exhausting!
So, perhaps the boot camp came at a good time!?
How did the first day go? Well, it wasn't so bad. Trust me I can assure you that I won't always be so eager at 4:30 in the morning, but was relieved to start the first day on a good foot! The bootcamp was a bit more lax than I was expecting. I still got a decent workout in, but I just expected to be run a bit harder...and not hear comments from fellow classmates about how they're just gonna walk and asking where Starbuck's is located. REALLY!?!? Oh well, looks like I'll be tuning them out and setting some personal goals.
It's also nice to know that after using this as a jumpstart to the year, the group classes I do at the YMCA will be perfect. They are just as challenging (if not more so than what I experienced today)....although to be fair maybe the coach was going a bit easier on us since it was Day 1. I did decide to do a little something extra today and did a 45-minute spin class with Taylor followed by a few minutes of the stair climber afterwards. Can't say I'll be able to keep the double classes up but since I've still managed to avoid grocery shopping I did not make wise choices today and had to burn them off.
My last post was a positive one about things I'm noticing right off the bat with the new stance if you will...and then (probably because I posted it) negativity! Not that I expected everything would be rosy from now on (I know better) but I hate how you can practically guarantee the mood change. It was really nothing that bad...a moody husband (and I can assure you I'm not Mrs. Positivity, so trying to carry my own load and pull someone else out of theirs is a bit much!) and constant kids! Basically being "all in" means I come last. This is not a pity party and when I think about it I understand the broad scope; however, it's not "fun" and it's exhausting!
So, perhaps the boot camp came at a good time!?
How did the first day go? Well, it wasn't so bad. Trust me I can assure you that I won't always be so eager at 4:30 in the morning, but was relieved to start the first day on a good foot! The bootcamp was a bit more lax than I was expecting. I still got a decent workout in, but I just expected to be run a bit harder...and not hear comments from fellow classmates about how they're just gonna walk and asking where Starbuck's is located. REALLY!?!? Oh well, looks like I'll be tuning them out and setting some personal goals.
It's also nice to know that after using this as a jumpstart to the year, the group classes I do at the YMCA will be perfect. They are just as challenging (if not more so than what I experienced today)....although to be fair maybe the coach was going a bit easier on us since it was Day 1. I did decide to do a little something extra today and did a 45-minute spin class with Taylor followed by a few minutes of the stair climber afterwards. Can't say I'll be able to keep the double classes up but since I've still managed to avoid grocery shopping I did not make wise choices today and had to burn them off.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
It Starts!
WHOLLY MOLY! What have I gotten myself into?!?!
I laughed as I hesitantly told my husband this morning of my latest venture...I purchased a 4-week bootcamp class from Groupon, that meets from 5-6AM! I told him my "All In" approach is beginning to make me feel like Jim Carrey's character from the movie The Yes Man. Things come up (email, conversation, etc) and I pause for a moment to consider it and decide, "Sure, why not?!" LOL
I reasoned that it will help me on multiple fronts and since one of the reasons I'm doing this blog/journal is for nutrition this bootcamp will help me to capitalize on those efforts. Win/Win. (although the thought of waking at 4:30 in the morning does NOT sound like a win at the moment...and I'm almost positive it won't feel like one on Monday!)
I'll have time to hate myself later I'm sure!
I'm still dragging out my nutritional efforts. My reasoning is that I can't start until I go to the grocery store. I have to set myself up for success after all. What am I doing you ask? Basically I'm going to try to follow the nutrition recommendations of the P90X program...without doing the program itself. What this means is that I will workout on my own (via the aforementioned bootcamp and then various programs at the YMCA) instead of their home DVD program while following their nutritional recommendations. I may do some of the videos to subsidize where needed, but honestly a room full of other people is more motivating to me. The first step of the nutrition plan is the shred (loosing weight initially via a high protein/low carb plan). For example I will get 7 servings of protein a day and only 1 carb, 1 fruit, 4 veggies, 3 dairy, 2 'snacks', etc. IT IS GOING TO BE ROUGH! So, I have not had to go to the store yet because we still have food for dinners so far. AND much to my delight we were just invited over to the inlaws for dinner today...yet extending our rations a bit longer! This also works out well since I have a lunch planned with my dad on Monday at The Cheesecake Factory and I fully intend to eat what I want! =D
So, before we get officially started, yes we are accepting dinner offers!
On another note - my All In approach with the kids is going...
I've had a number of run ins with Thea lately. She's 8 and all things considered "should" be at the easiest stage right now. (2 year olds are well, 2 years old....and preteens STINK!) I have been up with her every morning this week and have been lied to, manipulated or out right disrespected. Today was the last straw. After taking both her and Taylor to tumbling I told Steven about my recent encounters and he flat out said I needed to spank her. (and that it needed to come from me and not him) After returning home I asked her to wait for me in my room and we had a good conversation. I then let her know what her dad had recommended and as she started emotionally withdrawing and letting herself be emotionally carried away I was able to ask calmly, "Do you think you deserve a spanking?" She nodded and after obvious proceedings I hugged her and told her "I love you". As sad as this is to admit, I can honestly say that such a peaceful exchange of punishments has only happened maybe a handful of times. One of the "wounds" I got from my parents is my keen ability to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat...the whole "spank first, ask questions later" kind of approach. I'm not saying I'm proud of it...I'm just saying. I gave her some time and came back and told her we're not going to let this affect the whole day. I'm not going to hold it over her head. It's done.
After a workout at the gym (so that monday may hurt less) I returned with Chick-fil-A and took the girls to the park for a picnic while Steven and Thomas had some wild wings and watched football.
....It's going!! =D
...lastly and maybe TMI (so stop while you're ahead)...how is "All In" going for my role as wife?
It's funny...without specifically trying...well I suppose the daily bible verse/encouragement emails could be considered trying; Steven is looking at me in a whole new light. To sum it up, using his words I'm making myself "irresistible" to him. He sees my heart growing and is drawn to me...I'm being supportive (and not that I wasn't before, but I'm SHOWING it!), I'm investing in our children (in multiple avenues and discussing what I want, what I see, etc), I'm bettering myself (but not at the expense of my husband or kids). He's turning around...that gloom attitude that was defeating him just days ago is lifting and he seems to be finding his joy again. I'm not bold enough to say that's just me...but I am pointing it to the one who's changing me.
I laughed as I hesitantly told my husband this morning of my latest venture...I purchased a 4-week bootcamp class from Groupon, that meets from 5-6AM! I told him my "All In" approach is beginning to make me feel like Jim Carrey's character from the movie The Yes Man. Things come up (email, conversation, etc) and I pause for a moment to consider it and decide, "Sure, why not?!" LOL
I reasoned that it will help me on multiple fronts and since one of the reasons I'm doing this blog/journal is for nutrition this bootcamp will help me to capitalize on those efforts. Win/Win. (although the thought of waking at 4:30 in the morning does NOT sound like a win at the moment...and I'm almost positive it won't feel like one on Monday!)
I'll have time to hate myself later I'm sure!
I'm still dragging out my nutritional efforts. My reasoning is that I can't start until I go to the grocery store. I have to set myself up for success after all. What am I doing you ask? Basically I'm going to try to follow the nutrition recommendations of the P90X program...without doing the program itself. What this means is that I will workout on my own (via the aforementioned bootcamp and then various programs at the YMCA) instead of their home DVD program while following their nutritional recommendations. I may do some of the videos to subsidize where needed, but honestly a room full of other people is more motivating to me. The first step of the nutrition plan is the shred (loosing weight initially via a high protein/low carb plan). For example I will get 7 servings of protein a day and only 1 carb, 1 fruit, 4 veggies, 3 dairy, 2 'snacks', etc. IT IS GOING TO BE ROUGH! So, I have not had to go to the store yet because we still have food for dinners so far. AND much to my delight we were just invited over to the inlaws for dinner today...yet extending our rations a bit longer! This also works out well since I have a lunch planned with my dad on Monday at The Cheesecake Factory and I fully intend to eat what I want! =D
So, before we get officially started, yes we are accepting dinner offers!
On another note - my All In approach with the kids is going...
I've had a number of run ins with Thea lately. She's 8 and all things considered "should" be at the easiest stage right now. (2 year olds are well, 2 years old....and preteens STINK!) I have been up with her every morning this week and have been lied to, manipulated or out right disrespected. Today was the last straw. After taking both her and Taylor to tumbling I told Steven about my recent encounters and he flat out said I needed to spank her. (and that it needed to come from me and not him) After returning home I asked her to wait for me in my room and we had a good conversation. I then let her know what her dad had recommended and as she started emotionally withdrawing and letting herself be emotionally carried away I was able to ask calmly, "Do you think you deserve a spanking?" She nodded and after obvious proceedings I hugged her and told her "I love you". As sad as this is to admit, I can honestly say that such a peaceful exchange of punishments has only happened maybe a handful of times. One of the "wounds" I got from my parents is my keen ability to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat...the whole "spank first, ask questions later" kind of approach. I'm not saying I'm proud of it...I'm just saying. I gave her some time and came back and told her we're not going to let this affect the whole day. I'm not going to hold it over her head. It's done.
After a workout at the gym (so that monday may hurt less) I returned with Chick-fil-A and took the girls to the park for a picnic while Steven and Thomas had some wild wings and watched football.
....It's going!! =D
...lastly and maybe TMI (so stop while you're ahead)...how is "All In" going for my role as wife?
It's funny...without specifically trying...well I suppose the daily bible verse/encouragement emails could be considered trying; Steven is looking at me in a whole new light. To sum it up, using his words I'm making myself "irresistible" to him. He sees my heart growing and is drawn to me...I'm being supportive (and not that I wasn't before, but I'm SHOWING it!), I'm investing in our children (in multiple avenues and discussing what I want, what I see, etc), I'm bettering myself (but not at the expense of my husband or kids). He's turning around...that gloom attitude that was defeating him just days ago is lifting and he seems to be finding his joy again. I'm not bold enough to say that's just me...but I am pointing it to the one who's changing me.
Friday, January 6, 2012
The Beginning
To say that I'm constantly up to something is an understatement...
The looks on my husband's face when we are casually sitting at the table for dinner during a "date night" and I subtly say "...so...I was thinking" are PRICELESS!
I keep him guessing...and honestly some of the stuff surprises me too!
I honestly thought I'd be THE LAST PERSON to blog! I feel horrible after reading other people's blogs because I feel so inadequate...mostly about the type of mother that I am. (I'm telling you it's a good thing we're not graded on that...well I suppose we are, but you know at least there's not a stranger that comes to observer periodically to see how we are doing.) I'd fail or at least have a D anyway. All that to say...for a while I took a hiatus from reading blogs...and then within the past few months I found myself sometimes lurking. I have some awesome women in my life and they (you if you're reading) ROCK!
Okay, so why me and why now?
Well...I HATE journaling! I don't know if it's the literal writing/penmenship aspect or what. Every bible study or women's group I've attended capitalizes on how important that tool is. And I've tried it...I promise something about it doesn't work for me.
Anyway, recently I've had something spur inside of me for things I want to do...a recent idea that I presented to my husband was cast aside sometime later and with that (and my own revelations) I've decided to agree with a "wait" for now. So...with that idea laid to rest for a bit I've been doing my own thing...which right now consists of studying my booty off for the NARM in February. and with that I've also decided "Hey, it's a new year...I should renew my quiet time in the mornings." So far, so good. Could I do more, I'm sure...but one step at a time and no guilty feelings allowed. The Lord has already been blessing this time and with my husband struggling right now (due to our son Thomas, 13 - completely separate blog!) I've been able to share some of the peace and wisdom I've received during the quiet time and in turn become my husband's cheerleader. (Another separate topic! He says I'm not so much of one and I in turn reply that I never was and he should have seen that one a MILE away!) LOL
So...yes, the Lord is working on me too!
Thus...kind of an glimpse of where I'm at...I loathe New Year's Resolutions, but I like changing yourself for the better. I guess as long as I make it about the latter that just happens to coincide with a new year, then I'm good, right?!
This year I decided to go "All In"
I want to be a better mom; I want to be a better wife; I want to be the best ____ the Lord wants me to be!
(fill in the blank with all the "hats"/roles that I am to fulfill...those I know I already am and those the Lord is calling me to be)
In some ways I know some things I can do to help these avenues, but in many ways I have no idea what it means or where to begin.
One thing I'm doing is nutrition related....and it's going to BLOW! (reason #5 I think for starting a blog) I know I need to "journal" this somehow and the thought of pen/paper is NOT exciting. I sat at the computer and thought about just opening a word document, but that didn't seem like enough. I suppose on some level that my thought process associates the prospect of someone else reading this and being able to hold me accountable some way is better for me.? I don't know...still trying to figure it out...and by "it" I mean myself. (good luck I think some of you are saying...nice)
So...we'll see how this goes, since this is my first post I'll keep it at that (for fear of deleting it or having some other craziness happen) WARNING to those who haven't quite been exposed to all that is Melissa. I do not plan to put up any fronts on my blog. IE this is raw, uncut...WYSIWYG (computer lingo for what you see is what you get!) I never profess to be perfect (well I did once, a long time ago to Steven and then clarified with "I was as close to perfect as he'll get" - but alas, another story!) But see what I mean? I will not be holding back...mostly to keep myself honest and accountable. The problem is that I can play mind games with myself and if I don't keep this authentic, then it has no purpose. So, enjoy...or good luck, not sure which is more fitting. (and I hope I don't scare you off...just know that deep down the Lord will convict me and eventually set me back on the right path when I stray)
The looks on my husband's face when we are casually sitting at the table for dinner during a "date night" and I subtly say "...so...I was thinking" are PRICELESS!
I keep him guessing...and honestly some of the stuff surprises me too!
I honestly thought I'd be THE LAST PERSON to blog! I feel horrible after reading other people's blogs because I feel so inadequate...mostly about the type of mother that I am. (I'm telling you it's a good thing we're not graded on that...well I suppose we are, but you know at least there's not a stranger that comes to observer periodically to see how we are doing.) I'd fail or at least have a D anyway. All that to say...for a while I took a hiatus from reading blogs...and then within the past few months I found myself sometimes lurking. I have some awesome women in my life and they (you if you're reading) ROCK!
Okay, so why me and why now?
Well...I HATE journaling! I don't know if it's the literal writing/penmenship aspect or what. Every bible study or women's group I've attended capitalizes on how important that tool is. And I've tried it...I promise something about it doesn't work for me.
Anyway, recently I've had something spur inside of me for things I want to do...a recent idea that I presented to my husband was cast aside sometime later and with that (and my own revelations) I've decided to agree with a "wait" for now. So...with that idea laid to rest for a bit I've been doing my own thing...which right now consists of studying my booty off for the NARM in February. and with that I've also decided "Hey, it's a new year...I should renew my quiet time in the mornings." So far, so good. Could I do more, I'm sure...but one step at a time and no guilty feelings allowed. The Lord has already been blessing this time and with my husband struggling right now (due to our son Thomas, 13 - completely separate blog!) I've been able to share some of the peace and wisdom I've received during the quiet time and in turn become my husband's cheerleader. (Another separate topic! He says I'm not so much of one and I in turn reply that I never was and he should have seen that one a MILE away!) LOL
So...yes, the Lord is working on me too!
Thus...kind of an glimpse of where I'm at...I loathe New Year's Resolutions, but I like changing yourself for the better. I guess as long as I make it about the latter that just happens to coincide with a new year, then I'm good, right?!
This year I decided to go "All In"
I want to be a better mom; I want to be a better wife; I want to be the best ____ the Lord wants me to be!
(fill in the blank with all the "hats"/roles that I am to fulfill...those I know I already am and those the Lord is calling me to be)
In some ways I know some things I can do to help these avenues, but in many ways I have no idea what it means or where to begin.
One thing I'm doing is nutrition related....and it's going to BLOW! (reason #5 I think for starting a blog) I know I need to "journal" this somehow and the thought of pen/paper is NOT exciting. I sat at the computer and thought about just opening a word document, but that didn't seem like enough. I suppose on some level that my thought process associates the prospect of someone else reading this and being able to hold me accountable some way is better for me.? I don't know...still trying to figure it out...and by "it" I mean myself. (good luck I think some of you are saying...nice)
So...we'll see how this goes, since this is my first post I'll keep it at that (for fear of deleting it or having some other craziness happen) WARNING to those who haven't quite been exposed to all that is Melissa. I do not plan to put up any fronts on my blog. IE this is raw, uncut...WYSIWYG (computer lingo for what you see is what you get!) I never profess to be perfect (well I did once, a long time ago to Steven and then clarified with "I was as close to perfect as he'll get" - but alas, another story!) But see what I mean? I will not be holding back...mostly to keep myself honest and accountable. The problem is that I can play mind games with myself and if I don't keep this authentic, then it has no purpose. So, enjoy...or good luck, not sure which is more fitting. (and I hope I don't scare you off...just know that deep down the Lord will convict me and eventually set me back on the right path when I stray)
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