Oh the Insanity!

I have not forgotten about my journaling quest/attempts...only got a bit deterred!
I still owe a post about the super delicious caramel coconut cookies...but I ran into a camera battery/charger debacle and that will need to wait just a bit longer.  (but yes, they were awesome and super delicious!)

My mind has been racing!  Thank the Lord I am on the other side of things as I finished one part of my journey (hopefully for good) when I took the NARM exam on Wednesday, February 15th.  I was so stressed out and felt as if I had not adequately prepared as the days and hours ticked by for my departure on the road for Austin.  Turns out that was all for not.  Sure, I could have prepared more; however, after taking the exam I realized that with more days or weeks for preparation the studying I was doing was not going to help me.  I was focusing on the details and not the "overall/general".  While the details can help I was becoming consumed in the nit-picky intricacies...which turned out to be all in my head.  (Imagine that!)

I felt extremely confident after the first half of the test.  We were given 4 hours, I took 2...and then thought I should review for 1/2 an hour before turning in my test.  I did...and then took off for lunch.  I thoroughly enjoyed the break, getting out of that cold/sterile room and being able to move, stretch, talk, laugh...and BREATHE!  I thought to myself that if that was it I was surely going to pass the test!

Then it was time for the second half...1pm.  Directions given (cause you know we couldn't remember what we did just hours prior), pencils up, mouths shut, head/eyes down and no movement (or breathing) for another span of hours!!  This part was more challenging.  I was able to figure out which 2 were not the appropriate choice and then which 2 were...but deciding which answer between the 2 proved more difficult.  Basically the second part was case scenarios...which are good...except that when I am picturing the situation and a laboring woman and they set it up with what is going on and "which step should you take first"....I look at the answers and think "well, I'd do all of them...so why does it matter what I'd do first"?  Literally it's a difference of a) would you take the mom's blood pressure first or b) would you take her pulse first or c) would you check her urine...etc., etc.  So...it was frustrating because while I knew what they were looking at or wanting us to pick up about the situation I was focusing on how silly it was because in real life I'd know the answer to all of those vitals within 5 minutes or less.  Hmmmm.

The second go round it took me 2 1/2 hours...followed by 30 minutes of "checking/doubting/reviewing"!  I changed one answer...read another one I had questioned myself over and changed it...then thought about it, drew it out and decided (based on one word in the question) to change it back.  At that moment I knew I had better take the test away from myself...when you start erasing and changing and then changing back you become dangerous.  I know they say to "check your work" but honestly at this point it was only creating doubt in my mind...especially as I did not feel as confident in this session as I had that morning.  So I went with the other saying of "go with your original answer"......and PRAYED!

At this point the weight that was lifted off of my mind had been replaced by the weight of all the food I had been packing on and in as I tried to comfort eat to fill the void/offset the anxiety!!  That and now I have the equally grueling task of waiting for the results!  

...tick tock....tick tock....tick tock

I vowed to keep my mind busy and active...partly because I seem to always find something to do so I was just being honest and realistic and partly because I think that if I think about it too much I really don't know what to think about the results.  I want to be optimistic but I also don't want to convince myself that I passed and there's no need to think twice about it only to find out that indeed I did not....

How am I handling the questions as to how I think I did?!?!  Well...I am very appreciative to those that ask and who remember and care enough to have prayed for me and are genuinely interested...and then I'm frustrated at the same time.  I know they want to hear that I felt great about it...and that I'm confident.  Really and honestly I just don't know.