Intentions & some Ugly

I love and I hate intentions...they are after all just that!

I must admit I have had over a dozen blog attempts pop up and yet have not had the time to go write them up.  I want to continue what I have started and yet I find myself incredibly overwhelmed at times that literally I'm choosing what gets put on the back burner.  I have resolved that if I could dictate it at that moment that it would happen.  Not reality though...

I've had a really rough cycle of emotions recently...and to a degree that's been a part of what's kept me away.  (and then I'd get the thought that it is those things that put the "ugly" in the blog)...and I KNOW that...yet it's extremely vulnerable and then enters fear.

I suppose it's those moments where it's more "appropriate" if you will to physically journal with pen in hand but I can't do it.  I've tried and it takes FOREVER...I give up b/c there's NO way my hand can keep up with my head!

I think it's because things caught me slightly off-guard following the NARM.  I mean afterall I pushed so many things back not wanting to get caught off-guard IF I had NOT passed that when I found out I did I was FLOODED!  I'll take it of course over the alternative, but I mean honestly there was no true break.  I went from full-time student/apprentice to full-time studying/part-time working/while trying to be home with Timberlyn 3x/week, family/mom, trying to set up a business with everything from a logo, business cards, bank accounts, legal junk, etc etc etc.  I had the blessing of being offered to share a new client, was contacted by another client, asked to not only teach but set-up a class and take on other responsibilities almost simultaneously...
My poor husband was thinking that once I had finished with school and passed the test that I'd be "me" again...or more likely "his" again...It was the perfect storm.

I started attending a women's bible study in this time...it was perfect and just what I asked for (flexible, encouraging, challenging/motivating) and yet it is still another day of the week that I'm busy.  It has encouraged and taught me about how/when to say no and yet even with that I had the list of activities above.

I've felt incredibly close to the Lord and a real calling to spend time with him...and yet my shortcomings were blatantly brought to my face when my own husband shared how he feels as if he's on the back burner.  (ouch)

I could NOT say enough positive things about the man.  He's handsome, caring, patient, loving, willing to do ANYTHING for me, compassionate, forgiving, capable, motivating, encouraging, strong, an awesome chef, self-sacrificing...and the list goes on...
and then I realize I'm selfish...

I had not before contemplated it...I would have probably said I was anything but...however, even though in some small examples or aspects I could deflect and show examples of how giving I am those pale in comparison to the real day in and day out stuff of life.

It doesn't matter that I save a gift card somebody purchased for me only to use it on my kids or another friend's gift...that's easy and many people do it. 
What's selfish is that I use my time for what I WANT (or feel I need to) use my time on.
*The kids are hard, they don't listen, they fight, they put me in a bad mood, they are constant - so it's easier for me to be disengaged and working on my own things rather than parent.
*Chores are constant, boring, never done and easier dictated - so it's easier for me to put them off and have someone else do them in my absence
*Staying home and being a mom is (INCREDIBLY) challenging/difficult - so it's easier for me to pursue my passion and invest in other people than my family
...OUCH!

Now what to do with that?
I'm up for suggestions but so far I think the awareness itself is a huge step...followed by lots of prayer and just challenging myself to be intentional with every day that I'm given.