Some of the "why"

Recently my oldest daughter Taylor went through the experience of trying out for cheerleader.
No big deal, right?

It's my job as her mom to be supportive and to help her try new things, experience life, etc. etc.  This is true.  Why is this a blog post?  Because somehow through this process and attending bible study concurrently I discovered something about myself that was "jogged" if you will by her experience.

It is not the only thing, for that I am certain, however, it is a small morsel or example of "why I am the way I am" or for those of you too new to know what that means..."why I'm emotionally distant"

I only have a core hand-full of people that I let "in"...and even then it's only as much as I want & only when I want. 

I recently shared one night during our Prayer Request time my concern for Taylor and her heart as she endured this process...and then I just kept going.  Rewind back to Melissa's junior high formative years when she (I) had the brilliant idea of trying out for cheerleader.  (Hindsight...I had NO business attempting or even contemplating the attempt of becoming a cheerleader)  Apparently not the point...I decide anyway to try out...it was junior high and mostly based on votes over skill.  We all did our cheers, etc in front of our peers, went back to vote and those of us who tried out were called to the library for the results...end result - I did not make it.  No big deal.  Was I sad, sure.  Was I drastically upset, no.  Then comes the conversations with friends once the results were released....One of my 'closest' friends tells me that another of my 'closest' friends did not vote for me...and then I believe the same was said about her or another 'close' friend.  Did I think that everyone would vote for me? NO, of course not...did I think that my best friends should?  Yes.  For no other reason than the fact they were my best friends. 

It wasn't "not making cheerleader" that hurt, it was the realization that people don't do/say in reality what they claim they will do.

To add insult to injury, I fast forward to the next year when my sister wanted to try out for cheerleading...and my parents told her "no".  She was livid and being the great debater that she is went after it, throwing in everything and how they "let Melissa" try out the year before. 
...this is where it turns ugly again...they let me because they "knew I wouldn't make it"...

ouch




WOW!  Really old, random and to some a potentially lame "story"...but I actually got a lot from that little trip down memory lane.
There are so many more reasons & examples of wounds but I so thankful for where I am now.
I have the wonderful benefit of being able to work them out and pray for healing with my wonderful hubby of 14 years!!  I sincerely can't believe that with all the detachment and relational issues that he's stuck by me for so long.  I can be a very cold and distant person.  Sure, I can be nice and giving when it's needed...but I'm talking the real 24/7 Melissa that's behind closed doors and is tired of being "fake" or putting on a show...that's the one Steven gets.  It's real and honest alright, but I'm sure hearing my take on things takes its own toll.  (sigh)

(On another note...no, Taylor didn't make cheerleader.  She however only had to try out in front of judges on a non-school day...there were no peers involved.  And she handled it all very graciously by getting Starbucks with her dad.)