I get knocked down, but I get up again...

Constant.

I could not begin to describe the emotions and events that I've traversed and felt in the past months.
Highs, lows...things so much deeper/lower than I thought possible.

It's amazing how when things are going "right" things seem to hit you from an angle you were LEAST expecting just to see how you'd react, what you'd do with that.

I've felt like screaming and have, crying and have, throwing/smashing eggs...and have NOT!  But that one sounds the most fun and creative!  I imagine myself with a tennis racket and the brick fence in my backyard and my imagination runs wild!  =)
I even thought about making it a girls night...with everyone bringing a dozen eggs. 
(and then I thought "What would they think?!")

So, in the mean time, after much "discussion" over these days and weeks with my husband I've come to an alternative.  Our next date will include a trip to the gun range.  I've never done it before.  I WILL take pictures and post! and I hope that it allows some sort of outlet!  (I fantasize about being a secret agent!!)

Also, I started exercising with more intentionality this week.  I literally need to get OUT my emotions and thoughts and everything in every way possible!

This weekend I recounted to Steven how I literally feel as though my current journey, to deepen my walk and relationship with the Lord, has allowed/caused me to perpetually feel as if I'm running into poles.  (Thank you to my 9 year old for literally giving me that word picture as she did it to herself on Saturday...onlookers and all!) 

Some know, some don't know the severity of a personal family issue we are facing right now that is out of our hands...literally.

It's a waiting game, it consumes our time, our resources, our patience, our attitudes (when we let it), and our relationships.

I have been asked if knowing everything I knew now if I'd make the same choice...to seek outside help or to handle things within the family.  The answer is still, yes!  Given everything listed above that we've sacrificed and continue to sacrifice, I still would.  For as much as we've given and had to work through, I believe we've gained (or are striving to gain) in depth and relationship/understanding with our TRUE purpose and our ultimate goals here on this earth.

Have I been or reacted perfectly every time?  No
Do Steven and I usually hold the other accountable when we see some doubt or a hole in their game? Yes!

I have given up everything...my control, my children, my desires and have sought to only want and desire what the Lord desires for me.

I went through a dramatic process of "spiritual cleansing" if you will and am trying to watch that I'm obedient to further promptings...the frustration being that I "expected" a dramatic reformation externally or for "something big to happen" and it's not.  There's no dramatic lighting or music or cues from stage right declaring this event.  Nope.  nada.  All there is is peace, hope and promises.  All things considered, I think that's pretty big.

So, on my journey and to quote my husband who was himself quoting scripture in my "whining" about hitting poles (my word picture for doing what I felt prompted and subsequently getting poo'd on)....He asked me, "Do you love God?"
I answered "yes"
He responded "Then feed his sheep"
(AKA, keep being obedient, keep obeying and no matter what the outcome...poles or not, get back up, keep your eyes and heart focused on him and do it again)

"For our light and momentary troubles are gaining for us an eternal glory that far surpasses them all."
2 Corinthians 4:17