I..."we" did it!

Tah-Dah!

YEA!  The girls and I were successful and over the weekend we made the Valentine Heart project that I found on my friend's blog.

It was probably NOT the best picture of mother/daughter moments...but alas, we stuck it out and accomplished what we set out to do.  We have hung it in our kitchen by the table so that we can enjoy it at every meal & throughout the day (when we're home)!  I LOVE having some decorations up!  And it inspired me to update my wreath at the front door.

Fun & festive!  It works from now through April (in my head anyway)...Timberlyn was with me as we ventured out to Michael's with a 40% off coupon and no idea what we were searching for...until I found it.
Once we were home and hung it up she was so excite to tell daddy about it and how beautiful it was and how she "loved it"!  CUTE!  Maybe I can get her shopping after all...well, I can dream!

I love Valentines...probably for a myriad of reasons but for some reason even more this year.  (I'm wondering if it's a stall/distraction tactic as the NARM is the following day, Wednesday, February 15th)...so maybe if I focus hard enough on Valentines then it'll just magically take care of itself?  Dreaming again, I know!

So, that's one project down and 2 to go!! And unfortunately I'm setting myself up for FAILURE with regard to sticking to that limit!  I joined pinterest today!  I thought I had been on before and already done it, but maybe I was just lurking...today was for "real" and holy moly is it addicting!  I think I already have 3-5 things I want to try to bake/make.  EVIL I tell you, evil!  I am trying to stick to my guns though!  I plan to try my coconut caramel cookies sometime next week, and then Timberlyn's cupcakes are well, for her birthday party...and I may have decided to add a small something to her friends goodie bags that would entail baking...but both of those would be after I complete the NARM...hence why I purposefully scheduled her party for the following weekend as opposed to the weekend before (as her birthday actually falls).  =)   Good thinking!

Maybe I have ADD...

What is wrong with me?  Why do I constantly find so many things to do?

It's not that I'm not content...it's just that these things come to me and then I feel as though I should do them!  I need another project like I need a new hole in my head!

I truly wish I knew which way things would end up better...depending on the choices that I make.  I know this is where Faith comes into practice but I struggle with which "good" thing is the right good thing for me (and my family).

I want to be a crafty mom, like in projects and household things....
I want to learn spanish and do an internship in El Paso to further develop midwifery practice...
I want to go on a mission trip (ideally one that involves pregnancies/babies)...
I want to look into how to become a cranial sacral therapist...
I want to find out how to help my 3rd grader become a better student (and not get frustrated)...
I want to have my house cleaned more than sporadically (or just a few rooms at a time)...
I want to finish setting up my midwifery business (marketing, bank account, supplies, etc.)...

BUT...I HAVE to WAIT!   AHH!
Right now I've limited myself (and I have to do these things...cause it's insane I'm telling you!) to just study!  Study, study, study...blah, blah, blah...The NARM exam is 4 weeks away.  Wednesday, February 15th.  My "extras" above (not counting my daughter of course) don't matter until I follow through on this huge step in my life.

It's hard...and I think what makes it more challenging is that I can't do it all.  I wish I knew if some of them would be worth it before exerting the time, $ and energy into taking it on!!  (there's more wants...just going with the top 7)  =D

Valentine's is coming up...and I want to do some fun/cute Valentine's things...(Oh yeah, and my Timberlyn's birthday on Feb. 12th!)...Sometimes I can't help it!
So...perhaps a limit?
One craft project involving the girls... A friend's heart wreath idea!
Experimenting with filled cupcakes (I'll try a simple combination) for Timberlyn's birthday
Trying one fun "goody" for Valentines...Coconut cookies with salted caramel...mmm

Hmm...will I be content with the 3??

Friday Fumblings

To say this week has not gone as planned is a joke.  I know it happens to us all but it doesn't make it any less frustrating!

I think the last day I've successfully studied for my huge midwifery test was Tuesday, and even then I was "on edge" as I had received a "heads up" call that I may be going to a birth.  Things worked out and I have to say that as much as the crazy has been happening I'm also totally seeing/feeling the Lord's presence.
I ended up being able to utilize my quiet Tuesday for studying (Timber was at the sitter's, the kids at school and Steven at a client's office).  I was even able to take Taylor and Thea to tumbling...and just at the end got the call that it was time to head out.  Long story short, it wasn't time yet...so I got to come back home in time to go to bed and not miss boot camp.  Right after boot camp I checked my phone and had been called out again for attempt #2...not bad timing I'd beat AM rush traffic.  That was a no go as well...but I was so thrilled I felt the Lord did it for me...I had a facial & massage scheduled that morning (it was a graduation gift to myself that I scheduled back in November).  I was able to go!  Had just enough time to make it home and get cleaned up and then head out.  Steven and Timber came with me to Sugar Land and went to a nearby indoor play place so that afterwards we could have lunch together.  It was a really good time and I felt totally relaxed and odd for having such a nice turnout with the timing and getting some "me" time.  On our way home Steven was called into work so I settled in to put Timber down for a nap.  I had just sat down to check email and begin studying when I was called to attempt the birth for the 3rd time.  I knew it was coming...but I was in a hard place as Steven was gone, Timber was asleep and the kids not quite home from school.  I had to make the tough call and say I probably couldn't make it, knowing this time there'd be a baby...and it would make my previous attempts in vain.  I had one shot of calling her sitter (a neighbor at the end of the street that watches kids everyday and Timber only on T/Th...) to see if by any chance she was able to keep her for 1 hour until my older ones could pick her up.  (*This is the huge benefit of using this lady!  My older ones can get her and not need a car, cross the road or anything!!)  The Lord made a way again and she said "YES!"

The birth went well, quickly that time and I was home by 7pm that night.  Another blessing!  I would not be missing boot camp and I had made every appointment!

Thursday started off great...good work out, excellent quiet time that was a reflection of how our days should go and how even though we don't know what's ahead the Lord does and we are to trust that he'll equip us to handle it.  I was so encouraged thinking it would be a great day!  Immediately after my quiet time the day got away from me.  That morning the extra hours of studying I thought I'd enjoy did not exist. Timberlyn woke up early and between setting her up with breakfast and a movie and picking out her clothes for the day (she'd be going to the sitter's) and then helping to get her off and going it was suddenly time for me to start getting ready as I had to drive out to Sugar Land again; this time for a meeting with a CPA regarding setting up my personal, small business.  It is/was a necessary evil but a chunk of time nonetheless.  My mother-in-law had also scheduled to take me to lunch that day and we set the appt so I'd have plenty of time for my meeting plus drive time, etc.

*Side note...the CPA was great...very calm and informative...but I there's something about the whole tax thing and the process that makes my insides crawl!  Even though my major was Finance at HBU and I took 12 hours of accounting I cannot stand it!  Maybe it's the ever changing nature of taxes in general so there's no "set" comfort point or just the stress of the IRS or what, but blah!  Let's just say I should be able to do my own taxes and yet, I refuse!  I have to set an arbitrary date in March just so that come April I'm free and don't have to worry about it.  I hate it that much.

All that said, I had some time afterwards and yet instead of coming home and studying I had to discuss at length what I had learned with my hubby (who was at a client's even though I REALLY wanted his presence to learn too!!) and then once home I had to get online to investigate tax junk.  See, my WHOLE entire point of doing this is so that I could properly know how I want to keep "my books" and set up a checking account so that I can FINALLY start ordering some business/professional equipment...and subsequently be able to write it off...or depreciate it as I came to learn I would need to do with the purchases I planned to make initially.  Well, for those who may not know...setting up a business checking account is a pain.  You need your business name (check, already have my DBA) and a tax id #....which is weird to me, b/c my services are not taxable.  So then I had to research how to get a tax id, etc.  I was on/off the phone with Steven this whole time.  Nothing was solved....I need him in person and the once calm, focused manner I was in during/just after my CPA meeting was gone...STRESS BALL!  and then I look up and it's time to go to meet Sandi for lunch at Brookwood.

Lunch was great (nice place, if you've never been) and I enjoyed the time to catch up and not have 12 people around, etc.  I had no place to be except of course home studying...only I also had to pick Taylor up from tutoring at a certain time...I cannot stand driving all around and back and forth wasting time...and my pocket of time was not enough to go home and study.  Instead I went by the Katy Birth Center to drop off some thank you cards for recent Christmas/Graduation gifts and headed to the school to pick up Taylor.  I've done this long enough to know to always have something in the car to do and so I did have some study cards to review as I waited.  Wow...2 study cards later and out she comes.

I get home hoping to take advantage of the remaining time without Timber (pick up is by 5) and was able to read a few pages interrupted almost constantly by telling my older two to be quiet and stay on task.

*Kid side note:  I was hoping that by actually being home with them and up in the mornings/when they got home from school each day that I could parent better.  What this translates into is just repeating myself of what they need to do next.  They frequently get off task and one starts messing with another and it snow balls.  Yea, I'm home to be the referee!  (insert extreme sarcasm)  I am experimenting with leaving each child (older 3) an afternoon "to do" list that they must reference and do each day prior to free time...it's not completely militaristic...it has "snack, homework, an area of study they may need to focus an additional 10-15 minutes on, and a chore/or consequence (only if they had earned one)"  We'll see how it goes.

Anyway...time flew as the clock neared 5pm and that was it, my study of the day.  SO NOT ENOUGH for my major test!  Then I go, pick up Timber and the day spirals even further downwards....
To put it nicely after a confrontation with my son, he continued to spiral out of control.  I'm sure most of it was him taking advantage of Steven not being present (he had to work late), but he likes to just shut down and mess with people if he's not getting his way OR if you ask him to do things he doesn't feel he needs to do.  HUGE fight/CLASHING of heads, etc.  There was one slight reprieve only to get stirred back up into physical confrontation.  I was keeping Steven informed of the happenings so that he was prepared (he was on his way) but man, what a crappy afternoon/evening.  Steven finally gets home and that was that...that was the day.  His entire evening was spent dealing with Thomas.  He tries to reason, he tries to give him space...that boy is exhausting!  There's yelling, fighting, yelling, crying, shutting down, verbal over exaggerations, we're the worst parents ever, etc. etc. etc.  Meanwhile I'm trying to keep the girls on task for evening routine (to make the next morning go smoothly...this helps A LOT!)  There's so much going on and I'm so upset from my dealings with him AND that my time with Steven was taken away that I can't focus...I can't study, I can't attack my to do list....AHH!

What happened to my beautiful day?

- Still successfully not going to the store...was supposed to go tonight...that was ruined!  I will be going Friday, so that's something.  I did however, start eating better starting Tuesday.  I knew I could push off the shopping and it was beginning to be a mental game.  I told myself to stop and have used each day as it's own challenge.  With that I'm also refusing to let myself be consumed by this.  One of my pet peeves (I've lost count as to the #, ha ha) is people so vocal as to what they are or are not doing.  If someone asks sure I'll answer them, but otherwise...to just volunteer "Oh, I don't eat that or this has ___ calories/points, etc."  (yes I've been guilty) annoys me!  It makes the other person feel bad.  Order what you know you can order and shut your mouth.  You can say some things like when I was at lunch with Sandi and she asked if I wanted to split a dessert I replied "I'm trying to be good".  That is the truth...YES, I WANT a dessert...and it was SUPER tempting.  but by saying what I did it was honest and didn't make her feel bad....as if I would have said "WHAT??!! That's like 2000 calories" which is obnoxious!  Same goes for a meal itself...if I was invited over and had no choice about the menu I could eat a small portion of whatever they were serving instead of not eating in front of them or making some big deal about how horrible it is for you.  Just be normal and be sensible!

*Side note - feel free to comment, encourage, ream me, whatever after any of my posts...

It's not so bad

I made myself not "journal" yesterday on purpose...one I didn't want to set a daily post expectation and two I wasn't sure how it would affect my mental take on this blog/journal posting thing.  So, that's that...taking it a day at a time.

My last post was a positive one about things I'm noticing right off the bat with the new stance if you will...and then (probably because I posted it) negativity!  Not that I expected everything would be rosy from now on (I know better) but I hate how you can practically guarantee the mood change.  It was really nothing that bad...a moody husband (and I can assure you I'm not Mrs. Positivity, so trying to carry my own load and pull someone else out of theirs is a bit much!) and constant kids!  Basically being "all in" means I come last.  This is not a pity party and when I think about it I understand the broad scope; however, it's not "fun" and it's exhausting!

So, perhaps the boot camp came at a good time!?
How did the first day go?  Well, it wasn't so bad.  Trust me I can assure you that I won't always be so eager at 4:30 in the morning, but was relieved to start the first day on a good foot!  The bootcamp was a bit more lax than I was expecting.  I still got a decent workout in, but I just expected to be run a bit harder...and not hear comments from fellow classmates about how they're just gonna walk and asking where Starbuck's is located.  REALLY!?!?  Oh well, looks like I'll be tuning them out and setting some personal goals.
It's also nice to know that after using this as a jumpstart to the year, the group classes I do at the YMCA will be perfect.  They are just as challenging (if not more so than what I experienced today)....although to be fair maybe the coach was going a bit easier on us since it was Day 1.  I did decide to do a little something extra today and did a 45-minute spin class with Taylor followed by a few minutes of the stair climber afterwards.  Can't say I'll be able to keep the double classes up but since I've still managed to avoid grocery shopping I did not make wise choices today and had to burn them off.

It Starts!

WHOLLY MOLY!  What have I gotten myself into?!?!

I laughed as I hesitantly told my husband this morning of my latest venture...I purchased a 4-week bootcamp class from Groupon, that meets from 5-6AM!  I told him my "All In" approach is beginning to make me feel like Jim Carrey's character from the movie The Yes Man.  Things come up (email, conversation, etc) and I pause for a moment to consider it and decide, "Sure, why not?!"  LOL

I reasoned that it will help me on multiple fronts and since one of the reasons I'm doing this blog/journal is for nutrition this bootcamp will help me to capitalize on those efforts.  Win/Win.  (although the thought of waking at 4:30 in the morning does NOT sound like a win at the moment...and I'm almost positive it won't feel like one on Monday!)

I'll have time to hate myself later I'm sure!

I'm still dragging out my nutritional efforts.  My reasoning is that I can't start until I go to the grocery store.  I have to set myself up for success after all.  What am I doing you ask?  Basically I'm going to try to follow the nutrition recommendations of the P90X program...without doing the program itself.  What this means is that I will workout on my own (via the aforementioned bootcamp and then various programs at the YMCA) instead of their home DVD program while following their nutritional recommendations.  I may do some of the videos to subsidize where needed, but honestly a room full of other people is more motivating to me.  The first step of the nutrition plan is the shred (loosing weight initially via a high protein/low carb plan).  For example I will get 7 servings of protein a day and only 1 carb, 1 fruit, 4 veggies, 3 dairy, 2 'snacks', etc.  IT IS GOING TO BE ROUGH!  So, I have not had to go to the store yet because we still have food for dinners so far.  AND much to my delight we were just invited over to the inlaws for dinner today...yet extending our rations a bit longer!  This also works out well since I have a lunch planned with my dad on Monday at The Cheesecake Factory and I fully intend to eat what I want!   =D
So, before we get officially started, yes we are accepting dinner offers!

On another note - my All In approach with the kids is going...
I've had a number of run ins with Thea lately.  She's 8 and all things considered "should" be at the easiest stage right now.  (2 year olds are well, 2 years old....and preteens STINK!)  I have been up with her every morning this week and have been lied to, manipulated or out right disrespected.  Today was the last straw.  After taking both her and Taylor to tumbling I told Steven about my recent encounters and he flat out said I needed to spank her.  (and that it needed to come from me and not him)  After returning home I asked her to wait for me in my room and we had a good conversation.  I then let her know what her dad had recommended and as she started emotionally withdrawing and letting herself be emotionally carried away I was able to ask calmly, "Do you think you deserve a spanking?"  She nodded and after obvious proceedings I hugged her and told her "I love you".  As sad as this is to admit, I can honestly say that such a peaceful exchange of punishments has only happened maybe a handful of times.  One of the "wounds" I got from my parents is my keen ability to fly off the handle at the drop of a hat...the whole "spank first, ask questions later" kind of approach.  I'm not saying I'm proud of it...I'm just saying.  I gave her some time and came back and told her we're not going to let this affect the whole day.  I'm not going to hold it over her head.  It's done.
After a workout at the gym (so that monday may hurt less) I returned with Chick-fil-A and took the girls to the park for a picnic while Steven and Thomas had some wild wings and watched football.
....It's going!!   =D

...lastly and maybe TMI (so stop while you're ahead)...how is "All In" going for my role as wife?
It's funny...without specifically trying...well I suppose the daily bible verse/encouragement emails could be considered trying; Steven is looking at me in a whole new light.  To sum it up, using his words I'm making myself "irresistible" to him.  He sees my heart growing and is drawn to me...I'm being supportive (and not that I wasn't before, but I'm SHOWING it!), I'm investing in our children (in multiple avenues and discussing what I want, what I see, etc), I'm bettering myself (but not at the expense of my husband or kids).  He's turning around...that gloom attitude that was defeating him just days ago is lifting and he seems to be finding his joy again.  I'm not bold enough to say that's just me...but I am pointing it to the one who's changing me.

The Beginning

To say that I'm constantly up to something is an understatement...
The looks on my husband's face when we are casually sitting at the table for dinner during a "date night" and I subtly say "...so...I was thinking" are PRICELESS!
I keep him guessing...and honestly some of the stuff surprises me too!

I honestly thought I'd be THE LAST PERSON to blog!  I feel horrible after reading other people's blogs because I feel so inadequate...mostly about the type of mother that I am.  (I'm telling you it's a good thing we're not graded on that...well I suppose we are, but you know at least there's not a stranger that comes to observer periodically to see how we are doing.)  I'd fail or at least have a D anyway.  All that to say...for a while I took a hiatus from reading blogs...and then within the past few months I found myself sometimes lurking.  I have some awesome women in my life and they (you if you're reading) ROCK!

Okay, so why me and why now?
Well...I HATE journaling!  I don't know if it's the literal writing/penmenship aspect or what.  Every bible study or women's group I've attended capitalizes on how important that tool is.  And I've tried it...I promise something about it doesn't work for me.
Anyway, recently I've had something spur inside of me for things I want to do...a recent idea that I presented to my husband was cast aside sometime later and with that (and my own revelations) I've decided to agree with a "wait" for now.  So...with that idea laid to rest for a bit I've been doing my own thing...which right now consists of studying my booty off for the NARM in February.  and with that I've also decided "Hey, it's a new year...I should renew my quiet time in the mornings."  So far, so good.  Could I do more, I'm sure...but one step at a time and no guilty feelings allowed.  The Lord has already been blessing this time and with my husband struggling right now (due to our son Thomas, 13 - completely separate blog!) I've been able to share some of the peace and wisdom I've received during the quiet time and in turn become my husband's cheerleader.  (Another separate topic!  He says I'm not so much of one and I in turn reply that I never was and he should have seen that one a MILE away!)  LOL
So...yes, the Lord is working on me too!
Thus...kind of an glimpse of where I'm at...I loathe New Year's Resolutions, but I like changing yourself for the better.  I guess as long as I make it about the latter that just happens to coincide with a new year, then I'm good, right?!
This year I decided to go "All In"
I want to be a better mom; I want to be a better wife; I want to be the best ____ the Lord wants me to be!
(fill in the blank with all the "hats"/roles that I am to fulfill...those I know I already am and those the Lord is calling me to be)
In some ways I know some things I can do to help these avenues, but in many ways I have no idea what it means or where to begin.
One thing I'm doing is nutrition related....and it's going to BLOW!  (reason #5 I think for starting a blog)  I know I need to "journal" this somehow and the thought of pen/paper is NOT exciting.  I sat at the computer and thought about just opening a word document, but that didn't seem like enough.  I suppose on some level that my thought process associates the prospect of someone else reading this and being able to hold me accountable some way is better for me.?  I don't know...still trying to figure it out...and by "it" I mean myself.  (good luck I think some of you are saying...nice)

So...we'll see how this goes, since this is my first post I'll keep it at that (for fear of deleting it or having some other craziness happen)  WARNING to those who haven't quite been exposed to all that is Melissa.  I do not plan to put up any fronts on my blog.  IE this is raw, uncut...WYSIWYG (computer lingo for what you see is what you get!)  I never profess to be perfect (well I did once, a long time ago to Steven and then clarified with "I was as close to perfect as he'll get" - but alas, another story!)  But see what I mean?  I will not be holding back...mostly to keep myself honest and accountable.  The problem is that I can play mind games with myself and if I don't keep this authentic, then it has no purpose.  So, enjoy...or good luck, not sure which is more fitting.  (and I hope I don't scare you off...just know that deep down the Lord will convict me and eventually set me back on the right path when I stray)