Recently my oldest daughter Taylor went through the experience of trying out for cheerleader.
No big deal, right?
It's my job as her mom to be supportive and to help her try new things, experience life, etc. etc. This is true. Why is this a blog post? Because somehow through this process and attending bible study concurrently I discovered something about myself that was "jogged" if you will by her experience.
It is not the only thing, for that I am certain, however, it is a small morsel or example of "why I am the way I am" or for those of you too new to know what that means..."why I'm emotionally distant"
I only have a core hand-full of people that I let "in"...and even then it's only as much as I want & only when I want.
I recently shared one night during our Prayer Request time my concern for Taylor and her heart as she endured this process...and then I just kept going. Rewind back to Melissa's junior high formative years when she (I) had the brilliant idea of trying out for cheerleader. (Hindsight...I had NO business attempting or even contemplating the attempt of becoming a cheerleader) Apparently not the point...I decide anyway to try out...it was junior high and mostly based on votes over skill. We all did our cheers, etc in front of our peers, went back to vote and those of us who tried out were called to the library for the results...end result - I did not make it. No big deal. Was I sad, sure. Was I drastically upset, no. Then comes the conversations with friends once the results were released....One of my 'closest' friends tells me that another of my 'closest' friends did not vote for me...and then I believe the same was said about her or another 'close' friend. Did I think that everyone would vote for me? NO, of course not...did I think that my best friends should? Yes. For no other reason than the fact they were my best friends.
It wasn't "not making cheerleader" that hurt, it was the realization that people don't do/say in reality what they claim they will do.
To add insult to injury, I fast forward to the next year when my sister wanted to try out for cheerleading...and my parents told her "no". She was livid and being the great debater that she is went after it, throwing in everything and how they "let Melissa" try out the year before.
...this is where it turns ugly again...they let me because they "knew I wouldn't make it"...
ouch
WOW! Really old, random and to some a potentially lame "story"...but I actually got a lot from that little trip down memory lane.
There are so many more reasons & examples of wounds but I so thankful for where I am now.
I have the wonderful benefit of being able to work them out and pray for healing with my wonderful hubby of 14 years!! I sincerely can't believe that with all the detachment and relational issues that he's stuck by me for so long. I can be a very cold and distant person. Sure, I can be nice and giving when it's needed...but I'm talking the real 24/7 Melissa that's behind closed doors and is tired of being "fake" or putting on a show...that's the one Steven gets. It's real and honest alright, but I'm sure hearing my take on things takes its own toll. (sigh)
(On another note...no, Taylor didn't make cheerleader. She however only had to try out in front of judges on a non-school day...there were no peers involved. And she handled it all very graciously by getting Starbucks with her dad.)
Friday, April 20, 2012
Intentions & some Ugly
I love and I hate intentions...they are after all just that!
I must admit I have had over a dozen blog attempts pop up and yet have not had the time to go write them up. I want to continue what I have started and yet I find myself incredibly overwhelmed at times that literally I'm choosing what gets put on the back burner. I have resolved that if I could dictate it at that moment that it would happen. Not reality though...
I've had a really rough cycle of emotions recently...and to a degree that's been a part of what's kept me away. (and then I'd get the thought that it is those things that put the "ugly" in the blog)...and I KNOW that...yet it's extremely vulnerable and then enters fear.
I suppose it's those moments where it's more "appropriate" if you will to physically journal with pen in hand but I can't do it. I've tried and it takes FOREVER...I give up b/c there's NO way my hand can keep up with my head!
I think it's because things caught me slightly off-guard following the NARM. I mean afterall I pushed so many things back not wanting to get caught off-guard IF I had NOT passed that when I found out I did I was FLOODED! I'll take it of course over the alternative, but I mean honestly there was no true break. I went from full-time student/apprentice to full-time studying/part-time working/while trying to be home with Timberlyn 3x/week, family/mom, trying to set up a business with everything from a logo, business cards, bank accounts, legal junk, etc etc etc. I had the blessing of being offered to share a new client, was contacted by another client, asked to not only teach but set-up a class and take on other responsibilities almost simultaneously...
My poor husband was thinking that once I had finished with school and passed the test that I'd be "me" again...or more likely "his" again...It was the perfect storm.
I started attending a women's bible study in this time...it was perfect and just what I asked for (flexible, encouraging, challenging/motivating) and yet it is still another day of the week that I'm busy. It has encouraged and taught me about how/when to say no and yet even with that I had the list of activities above.
I've felt incredibly close to the Lord and a real calling to spend time with him...and yet my shortcomings were blatantly brought to my face when my own husband shared how he feels as if he's on the back burner. (ouch)
I could NOT say enough positive things about the man. He's handsome, caring, patient, loving, willing to do ANYTHING for me, compassionate, forgiving, capable, motivating, encouraging, strong, an awesome chef, self-sacrificing...and the list goes on...
and then I realize I'm selfish...
I had not before contemplated it...I would have probably said I was anything but...however, even though in some small examples or aspects I could deflect and show examples of how giving I am those pale in comparison to the real day in and day out stuff of life.
It doesn't matter that I save a gift card somebody purchased for me only to use it on my kids or another friend's gift...that's easy and many people do it.
What's selfish is that I use my time for what I WANT (or feel I need to) use my time on.
*The kids are hard, they don't listen, they fight, they put me in a bad mood, they are constant - so it's easier for me to be disengaged and working on my own things rather than parent.
*Chores are constant, boring, never done and easier dictated - so it's easier for me to put them off and have someone else do them in my absence
*Staying home and being a mom is (INCREDIBLY) challenging/difficult - so it's easier for me to pursue my passion and invest in other people than my family
...OUCH!
Now what to do with that?
I'm up for suggestions but so far I think the awareness itself is a huge step...followed by lots of prayer and just challenging myself to be intentional with every day that I'm given.
I must admit I have had over a dozen blog attempts pop up and yet have not had the time to go write them up. I want to continue what I have started and yet I find myself incredibly overwhelmed at times that literally I'm choosing what gets put on the back burner. I have resolved that if I could dictate it at that moment that it would happen. Not reality though...
I've had a really rough cycle of emotions recently...and to a degree that's been a part of what's kept me away. (and then I'd get the thought that it is those things that put the "ugly" in the blog)...and I KNOW that...yet it's extremely vulnerable and then enters fear.
I suppose it's those moments where it's more "appropriate" if you will to physically journal with pen in hand but I can't do it. I've tried and it takes FOREVER...I give up b/c there's NO way my hand can keep up with my head!
I think it's because things caught me slightly off-guard following the NARM. I mean afterall I pushed so many things back not wanting to get caught off-guard IF I had NOT passed that when I found out I did I was FLOODED! I'll take it of course over the alternative, but I mean honestly there was no true break. I went from full-time student/apprentice to full-time studying/part-time working/while trying to be home with Timberlyn 3x/week, family/mom, trying to set up a business with everything from a logo, business cards, bank accounts, legal junk, etc etc etc. I had the blessing of being offered to share a new client, was contacted by another client, asked to not only teach but set-up a class and take on other responsibilities almost simultaneously...
My poor husband was thinking that once I had finished with school and passed the test that I'd be "me" again...or more likely "his" again...It was the perfect storm.
I started attending a women's bible study in this time...it was perfect and just what I asked for (flexible, encouraging, challenging/motivating) and yet it is still another day of the week that I'm busy. It has encouraged and taught me about how/when to say no and yet even with that I had the list of activities above.
I've felt incredibly close to the Lord and a real calling to spend time with him...and yet my shortcomings were blatantly brought to my face when my own husband shared how he feels as if he's on the back burner. (ouch)
I could NOT say enough positive things about the man. He's handsome, caring, patient, loving, willing to do ANYTHING for me, compassionate, forgiving, capable, motivating, encouraging, strong, an awesome chef, self-sacrificing...and the list goes on...
and then I realize I'm selfish...
I had not before contemplated it...I would have probably said I was anything but...however, even though in some small examples or aspects I could deflect and show examples of how giving I am those pale in comparison to the real day in and day out stuff of life.
It doesn't matter that I save a gift card somebody purchased for me only to use it on my kids or another friend's gift...that's easy and many people do it.
What's selfish is that I use my time for what I WANT (or feel I need to) use my time on.
*The kids are hard, they don't listen, they fight, they put me in a bad mood, they are constant - so it's easier for me to be disengaged and working on my own things rather than parent.
*Chores are constant, boring, never done and easier dictated - so it's easier for me to put them off and have someone else do them in my absence
*Staying home and being a mom is (INCREDIBLY) challenging/difficult - so it's easier for me to pursue my passion and invest in other people than my family
...OUCH!
Now what to do with that?
I'm up for suggestions but so far I think the awareness itself is a huge step...followed by lots of prayer and just challenging myself to be intentional with every day that I'm given.
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