Sigh
I thought when you found and were doing what your calling was, things would fall into place.
Bigger Sigh
WHY DO I FEEL SO INADEQUATE?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DO SOMETHING MORE / DIFFERENT?
WHY DO I FEEL JUDGED?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE A BAD MOM?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE A BAD WIFE?
WHY DO I SEEM TO BUTT HEADS WITH SOMEONE ON A REGULAR BASIS?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY LETTING SOMEONE DOWN?
Stupid feelings.
Why can't I turn them off?
....
....
....
....
I am struggling with "what's next?"
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
More School? Which path?
More home life? What about growing my practice? Bills?
Step down in some areas? Is this fear talking? myself talking?
Step up in some areas? What?! When?! How?!
Volunteer? (See questions above!)
Please don't get me wrong...I LOVE what I do! This is what I've dreamed about since I can remember.
I just don't think I'm very good with all the in's and out's.
I have fallen FLAT ON MY FACE and wish I could have "Do Over's"!!!
Don't get me wrong, I do not expect things to be perfect. And yes, I'm well aware of the enemy wanting to attack and get our focus off of where it should be.
I have learned so much and know that I'll continue learning. But I'm struggling...
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Fumbling
I struggle with Christmas.
As a kid I used to get so irritated with my mom and the "bah-humbug" spirit. I tried everything I could to despite that enjoy the holiday. My sister and I would set up the tree Thanksgiving night once everything was picked up, we'd hang the stockings and we'd get gifts for the other family members and help wrap.
Fast forward a bit (and include unmet expectations, lack of funds, school, kids, growing expectations) and I find myself teetering on a tightrope trying to avoid falling into the same pit.
On one side I see the joy and wonder of the special day and what it means to the kids. On the other side I see (and totally empathize with) where my mom was.
I celebrate and see every reason to celebrate the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I do NOT like the obligation of buying gifts. I'm the type of person who likes to shop and IF I see something that speaks to me for a particular individual then purchase it, not have a ticking clock or countdown of days up in my face saying "You must find something for A, B, C, D....." Then I hear the "jokes" about how people end up returning gifts to get what they really want anyway and it saddens me...then what's the point? Cause there's additional money spent on the paper/ribbons used to wrap said gifts too!
I did hear something in the past week or so that did make me pause and think a bit differently about things. It said this person was able to change his mind set on Christmas by purchasing gifts that required 2 or more people to enjoy the item. A football, for example was deemed a good choice whereas a piece of clothing/accessory was better saved for a birthday. That was good.
Then this is where things got a little deeper....
Timberlyn is LOVING Christmas (minus the cold) and wants "more decorations!" She frequently talks about how excited she is for Christmas and daily wants to play with her little tykes manger figures.
(back story)
Timberlyn was the only child Steven and I had to work for. There were so many prayers and physical strivings and ultimately surrender that went into our journey for her. During my pregnancy I prayed specifically for a few things...okay, probably more than a few, but hear me out. The one I'm focusing on here is that I prayed for a child "just like me" and asked that I'd have a chance to see how I'd fair at "raising myself". (I realize this is not an actual possibility. I also don't want you to hear a pity party. I do not want to be one of those people who blame the past and upbringing for why they are the way they are. I do believe there is a point in everyone's life that despite what did or did not happen that you must take ownership and move forward. But let's be honest. If you know me well you know there is at least one blaring issue that I didn't instill and that I'm trying to overcome.)
And that brings me back to Timberlyn's love of Christmas and my very volatile roller coaster. She's been asking regularly to go shopping for presents for our two cats. We already made one trip...but she wants "more presents" for them.
I had heard another positive reflection on Christmas and thought "hey, that gives me an idea! I should make a list of all the positive aspects and things to reflect on and when I get down make the choice to focus on that instead"...only I forgot!
I'm working on it. Still going through the motions. I made cookies for the girls teachers on Monday and just finished a batch for my neighbors tonight. I'll take Timberlyn with me to pass them out and show her that by doing so we are being a light...but I gotta be honest. I feel extremely dim right now.
(and just cause I said I would...here's some pics from the gun range! We finally made it a date outing. I gotta be honest I was freaked out!! The sounds, the power, how hard I had to hold the gun down cause of the recoil...it was intense! I have agreed to go back and use a less powerful gun.)
As a kid I used to get so irritated with my mom and the "bah-humbug" spirit. I tried everything I could to despite that enjoy the holiday. My sister and I would set up the tree Thanksgiving night once everything was picked up, we'd hang the stockings and we'd get gifts for the other family members and help wrap.
Fast forward a bit (and include unmet expectations, lack of funds, school, kids, growing expectations) and I find myself teetering on a tightrope trying to avoid falling into the same pit.
On one side I see the joy and wonder of the special day and what it means to the kids. On the other side I see (and totally empathize with) where my mom was.
I celebrate and see every reason to celebrate the TRUE meaning of Christmas. I do NOT like the obligation of buying gifts. I'm the type of person who likes to shop and IF I see something that speaks to me for a particular individual then purchase it, not have a ticking clock or countdown of days up in my face saying "You must find something for A, B, C, D....." Then I hear the "jokes" about how people end up returning gifts to get what they really want anyway and it saddens me...then what's the point? Cause there's additional money spent on the paper/ribbons used to wrap said gifts too!
I did hear something in the past week or so that did make me pause and think a bit differently about things. It said this person was able to change his mind set on Christmas by purchasing gifts that required 2 or more people to enjoy the item. A football, for example was deemed a good choice whereas a piece of clothing/accessory was better saved for a birthday. That was good.
Then this is where things got a little deeper....
Timberlyn is LOVING Christmas (minus the cold) and wants "more decorations!" She frequently talks about how excited she is for Christmas and daily wants to play with her little tykes manger figures.
(back story)
Timberlyn was the only child Steven and I had to work for. There were so many prayers and physical strivings and ultimately surrender that went into our journey for her. During my pregnancy I prayed specifically for a few things...okay, probably more than a few, but hear me out. The one I'm focusing on here is that I prayed for a child "just like me" and asked that I'd have a chance to see how I'd fair at "raising myself". (I realize this is not an actual possibility. I also don't want you to hear a pity party. I do not want to be one of those people who blame the past and upbringing for why they are the way they are. I do believe there is a point in everyone's life that despite what did or did not happen that you must take ownership and move forward. But let's be honest. If you know me well you know there is at least one blaring issue that I didn't instill and that I'm trying to overcome.)
And that brings me back to Timberlyn's love of Christmas and my very volatile roller coaster. She's been asking regularly to go shopping for presents for our two cats. We already made one trip...but she wants "more presents" for them.
I had heard another positive reflection on Christmas and thought "hey, that gives me an idea! I should make a list of all the positive aspects and things to reflect on and when I get down make the choice to focus on that instead"...only I forgot!
I'm working on it. Still going through the motions. I made cookies for the girls teachers on Monday and just finished a batch for my neighbors tonight. I'll take Timberlyn with me to pass them out and show her that by doing so we are being a light...but I gotta be honest. I feel extremely dim right now.
(and just cause I said I would...here's some pics from the gun range! We finally made it a date outing. I gotta be honest I was freaked out!! The sounds, the power, how hard I had to hold the gun down cause of the recoil...it was intense! I have agreed to go back and use a less powerful gun.)
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